Project 365

Don’t turn your head.
Keep looking at the bandaged wound.
That’s where the Light enters you.
And don’t believe for a moment
that you’re healing yourself

— Jalal ad-Din Rumi

In this Ramadhan, all I wish is for Allah SWT to make you the person that I once knew. The person that I had a high regard for. I will beg Him to never leave you behind and always be dear to you. I will make a duaa that you will always remember Him and be constantly reminded every time you are about to displease Him. I will constantly ask Him to forgive you, purify your past mistakes, and make you completely repent.

May Allah SWT soften my heart, erase my wound, and make me one of those people who can sincerely forgive you and be fair to you. Amin ya rabbal alamin.

I always tell people (and myself) that I can never imitate other people’s accents. I’m not Russell Peters. I can’t make fun of accents because I just don’t know how to talk in different accents! But here’s the funny part…

Many people (not one or two, but more than five people!) told me that they thought I was a Sundanese! Can you imagine that?! In the beginning I thought it was weird, until someone pointed out that I had a Sundanese accent sometimes. Say what?! Hahaha.

Now I know why they thought I was a Sundanese. I’ve been spending too much time with the Sundanese people here! hahaha! I gotta tell you, accents are contagious!!! I would never know that I had been talking like a Sundanese until someone pointed that out. Well, I don’t talk 100% like a Sundanese, but there are some “elements”, like words or stress or voice (?) that can be identified directly to a Sundanese.

One thing I failed to realize was that: my accents have been changing depending on where I live and who I talk to the most. Australian. Lebanese. Sundanese. I’ve had those accents (partially) before.

But when I try to imitate those accents, I can never do that! I’m kinda curious though… what kind of accent do I have when I speak English nowadays?! Indonesian? Or just no-accent? 😀

You will never completely feel at ease until you firmly believe that Allah has already pre-ordained all matters. The pen has dried and with it has been written everything that will happen to you. Therefore do not feel remorse over that which is not in your hands. Do not think that you could have prevented the fence from falling, the water from flowing, the wind from blowing, or the glass from breaking. You could not have prevented these things, whether you wanted to or not. All that has been pre-ordained shall come to pass.

— Aaidh ibn Abdullah al-Qarni in Don’t Be Sad

I know that this is not the path that I want to take, but I’m determined to do the best I can now. Maybe KL will open many doors for me. I’m not going to give up, though. I’m still going to realize that dream. It could be in another form. It could be in any other country. It could be something totally different. Allah knows what’s best for me 🙂

Honestly, I’m not so much into fashion. I don’t follow the latest trends and all that. I buy clothes from "last season" because those are the ones that are on discounts. I don’t mind buying second-hand clothes (like my lovely red coat) on a number of occasions. So the views that I’m writing here isn’t exactly "fair", but since this is my blog, I have the right to write whatever the hell I want, correct? hehehe.

Here’s the thing, I have quite a few problems with the recent trend of a so-called Muslim fashion. In the beginning, it was nice, I totally agree. It was nice to see the fresh change. It was nice that we got the recognition. It was nice to see fashion designers, boutiques,… (or whatever) that can cater the needs of Muslim women. We do need those things. We feel good when we dress nicely, I have to admit. But somehow, I find it to be a bit TOO much!

Suddenly, the Muslim women in the whole country — if not, the whole SE Asian countries — are obsessed with fashion! Too obsessed that as if they were told and forced to dress up in a certain way! They all look exactly the same to me (read: their style). If I can be sarcastic a little bit, I’d probably ask: which god are you following, exactly? Will I be viewed as a social outcast for not following your god?

I’m already viewed as a social outcast for not owning a Blackberry. I’ll be viewed as such if I don’t follow this fashion trend. That’s fine for me. I’m already viewed as "lower" by the Saudi society for not regularly putting a makeup. I think I can deal with another one. What’s wrong with being different?! Plus, I’m NOT going to change my whole wardrobe to this fashion trend. Even if I can afford it, I wouldn’t be doing it. What’s the point? I have to change my whole wardrobe again when the next fashion trend comes up.

I have to agree that fashion is the number one thing that leads to consumerism. That bothers me so much. Gadgets have successfully done a good job on that one. We spend to impress. Isn’t it sad?

All these things boil to one thing: whoever would dress the nicest gets the nod or compliments from their peers. It seems like they’re in a heavy competition to win the Best-Dressed Award. (I’ll tell you what, take the award. I don’t want it, nor do I need it). Well, don’t get me wrong, I like to dress up too! But not the whole time. Definitely not everyday. And definitely not to make myself "better" than anyone else. It really depends on my mood.

I don’t agree with the arguments that "by creating this stylish and modern Muslim look, we can influence more Muslim women to wear a hijab." SERIOUSLY?! Why do we need to "influence" them to wear hijab through fashion? We’re missing the true meaning of hijab here, people!!! We’re doing this to please Allah SWT, not to please other human being. It’s revealed in the Qur’an that we need to lower our gaze. It’s definitely not because that today’s trend is wearing a hijab. Definitely not.

The good thing about the "rising" Muslim fashion is that I can find rectangular scarves easily now!!!! Last year when I was in Jakarta, I had to pay 100,000 rupiahs for a scarf (in Saudi Arabia, you can get it for at most 60,000 rupiahs). I was quite shocked! Ok, yes, everyone wore square scarves and no one was interested in rectangular scarves! Who would buy them?! Hence, the expensive price. But now I reckon the rectangular scarves can be found everywhere (due to the latest trend) and they’re probably cheaper. Awesomeness!

P.S. Do criticize me if I’m not consistent with my views here. I need a slap.

I still don’t get it WHY oh WHY I need to put my race info (I don’t even know what my race is) and the details of my family members (my parents’ name, job, etc) for a job application?!?! Yup, a job application.

How does that relate to the job, seriously? Would they pick somebody based on the race? Obviously not, but who knows (why in the world they asked anyway!!!!). Would they pick me if let say… one my family members are so so so rich or so so so poor? Obviously, that doesn’t make sense. BUT WHY!!!!!

Grrr.

Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be your best… [and] is not about healthy achievement and growth. Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame. It’s a shield… that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from taking flight.

Perfectionism is, at its core, about trying to earn approval and acceptance. Most perfectionists were raised being praised for achievement and performance… Perfectionism is more about perception — we want to be perceived as perfect. This is unattainable — there is no way to control perception, regardless of how much time and energy we spend trying.

Perfectionism is addictive because when we invariably do experience shame, judgment, and blame, we often believe it’s because we weren’t perfect enough.

— Brené Brown in The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are

I don’t think I’m a perfectionist although sometimes I do want some things to be perfect. Or maybe… I didn’t realize that I had been a perfectionist for so long?!

… is the feeling of not good enough. Not good enough for friends and family, not good enough for the jobs that I want, not good enough for everything. I’m just not good enough!

I don’t know how to fix this damaging mindset!!! Argh.

Currently reading Brene Brown‘s book and hopefully I can trace the problems…

A chat with my lovely little brother…

Bro: When are you going back to Jakarta? I’ll be there in 4 days until after Eid.

me: I don’t know!!! But I think I’ll go straight to KL

Bro: Why?! Ira is going to be in Jakarta next month.

me: Really???

Bro: Wallahi

me: Well, if she’s in Jakarta, then I need to go there then. Let’s see when I’ll graduate

Bro: what if you don’t graduate? hahahhaa…

me: hey!!!! at least pray for me! ckckck

Bro: oh so it’s still mishwar. Hopefully you’ll graduate 😉

me: So, do you miss me? 😉

Bro: Hmmm… I don’t think so… hahahaha….

me: hahahahha. I know you do!!!!

He never wanted to admit it. LOL.

Eindhoven was found to have the highest crime rate in the Netherlands for 2006, 2007, 2009, and 2010

— Wikipedia

I was quite shocked to read it! I mean, I knew that Eindhoven was the most dangerous place to live in terms of crime rate, but I never knew that it had the highest crime rate four times in 5 years! Wew.

Actually, I live in the least safe neighborhood in Eindhoven (or maybe one of the least safe neighborhoods). Most of the people who live in my neighborhood are immigrants — the Africans/Caribbeans, Moroccans, and the Arabs. And I do get scared of going back home late at night, but thankfully I can take another route that is longer but safer.

Last week, I had the most scariest experience ever! Somebody rang my house door at 1 AM for multiple times and there were no one in the house except me. Yes, ME. Alone in the house. A-L-O-N-E! Can you imagine that?! 😐 I couldn’t do anything but be extremely scared. Yes, I know what you’re thinking. A potential burglar wouldn’t ring the bell before hand, BUT he could do that to see if there’s somebody in the house. RIGHT?! Right?! Am I right or am I right?

Anyway, I was actually soooo scared that I caused the twitterland to panic :P. I did that so if something ever happened to me, my friends knew and could do something about it. I locked my door and turned off the lamps in my room. My friend actually told me to go downstairs to ask who’s ringing the bell so that any potential burglar would have the second thought of going into my house, because the house wasn’t empty! BUT COME ON! I was not brave enough to even go downstairs! What if they decided to break the door, knowing that there’s only a woman in this house?! A lot of things seriously ran into my mind.

The best idea I could come up with when I was in “danger”? Pretending to sleep! Not a very smart move, eh?! Actually, it was the stupidest thing I had ever done! I didn’t even know the emergency phone number, until I wrote this post hahaha. Can you imagine that?

But anyway… thankfully, nothing happened. Alhamdulillah. One of my housemates came home 15 minutes later. It might had been him or his friends. You know me: paranoid in everything haha. Well, weekends are the scariest time to live in the house, to be honest. All of my housemates are usually not home. Grr.

Well, this stranger-rang-the-bell scenario didn’t only happen to me. It happened to my friends as well, who lived not too far from my place but located on a much busier street than mine. Another friend of mine even told me that her apartment was rang for so many times by drunk people.

Oh! Another friend got her house almost robbed two weeks ago! The outermost door was already damaged and the burglar was already inside the house, trying to open the second door which lead to all parts of the house. Thankfully, her brother screamed and threaten him with knife or something. So, the burglar ran away. Her house isn’t that far from mine too 🙂

Eindhoven isn’t THAT bad, I can tell you. I feel so safe here. It’s definitely much safer than in Jakarta. The only thing I’m worried about is robbery and drunk people 😛

Yesterday, I talked to a friend (A) about another friend that I never saw:

me: Oh I don’t know what he’s up to now. I don’t see him these days.

A: You are the one who is nowhere to be seen, mel! You are the one who disappears.

*glek*