Project 365

One day, my mom gave her usual and repetitive mother-to-daughter advice over the phone…

Mom: You know, you are 24. It is about time that you should start taking the whole marriage thing SERIOUSLY…. and….

Me: Mom, I’m 26.

(Oops! It was a total mistake to say this!)

Mom: What?! Are you 26 already?

Me: Hmm. Yes?! 😐

(I could feel the tension now LOL. Why did I say that?!?! Argh)

Mom: Oh, dear Lia… You’re having too much fun in this world […]

Me: Mom, if I found that person I’m compatible with now, I would marry him today if you want!

(I love messing around with her. Arguments don’t work anymore. Might as well tell her some stupid jokes hahaha — it works so far)

But… oh… sometimes I feel like such a burden to my family.

Travel agent (TA): How old are you?

Me (A): 25… (silent). Uhm, actually, 26.

TA: Do you have an ISIC card?

A: Nope.

TA: Sorry, but you can’t get a discount fare. You can only get a normal fare.

A sad realization. I wish my age could freeze and stop. I want to be 25 years old for the rest of my life.

I’m currently in the process of applying for a visa and look what my friend found! Look at the date I put under my signature! Do you see the YEAR?!

How can I be THAT reckless?! I mean, this is a visa for God sake!!! If it weren’t because of my friend, I would send this application form with the wrong year and my visa would be rejected right away :|.

I think I’ve been too stressed 🙁

I don’t know… I’ve been so worried. Worried about something I don’t even know about. I hate this feeling. I can feel my heart beats so fast and I haven’t had a good sleep. I always have this when something bad is going to happen. I really hope that’s not the case.

I have absolutely NO IDEA what to do!!! If I could do istikharah right about NOW, I’d do it. But I can’t! 🙁 Ya Allah… if I missed it, I’d regret it all my life. But if I just go… I haven’t even finished this thesis! How can I go?! My family would definitely disagree with me. But I don’t want to disappoint my dear friend! Oh ya Allah… I really need Your guidance now. I only have few weeks left. What can I do???

* I know that Allah SWT has a good reason why He made women to have a menstrual period. But during this time, the only thing I want to do is sholat…! I can’t do it… :-S and I don’t know what to do besides making a du’a…

Sometimes I just want to stop arguing, give up, let them formulate my life, and accept that person for the sake of their happiness.

And sometimes I don’t want to go back. I just want to stay here so that I can escape from all those pressure and arguments.

Ya Allah, I need Your help.

Rabbanaa wa laa tuhammilnaa maa laa taaqata lanaa bih
Our Lord, and burden us not with that which we have no ability to bear. Amin.

I used to complain about having no girlfriends here in Eindhoven. I’m sure I’ve written about this a lot in my blog. During my first one year, most of my friends were guys. I’m fine with having them as friends, of course. But they’re different than girls, especially in terms of “curhat”. Not a lot of guys are good listeners I have to say :P. I also love to have friends to sleep over at my place so we can talk all night long. We can’t do that with guys, can we? 🙂

I basically felt so lonely, especially when I was so used to having housemates and roommates for years! It was not until the second and third year that I had girlfriends. But there’s always a downside: none of my friends were Muslims or practicing Muslims. I felt extremely lonely during Ramadan because I would usually be the only girl out of all men sitting at the Mosque’s dining hall. I didn’t feel comfortable at all.

This year’s Ramadan is a bit different, though! I met a number of Dutch converts at the Mosque during the ifthar last week. I never met a convert before so it was a great opportunity for me to ask a lot of questions! (it’s so me, right?! LOL. Always curious about stuff). I met one of them again during the taraweeh prayer yesterday and one of the girls invited me to her house for ifthar! I would NEVER say no to that wonderful offer hahaha. A free ifthar and a chance to know them better — a once in a lifetime opportunity, right?! 😉

There were 2 other Dutch converts invited (so there were three converts in total). Most of them just converted to Islam for only 1-3 years and what’s amazing was that they all wore a hijab! I actually thought that they’ve at least been a Muslim for 5 years, because wearing a hijab (especially in the time of Islamophobia) was a big thing! But it turned out that they were “early” converts. What’s also interesting was that, although two of them were married, they came to Islam because they wanted to, not because of love or any other reasons.

I asked them how their family reacted upon knowing that their daughter was a Muslim. Only one of them had told the family and she said it was very hard for them. She hadn’t tell them about the hijab yet — she would do it one step at a time. Please note that Dutch parents are the most “easy going” parents in the world. As long as their children are happy, they’d accept their children’s decision. I have a number of friends whose husband converted to Islam due to marriage and their parents didn’t object both the marriage and conversion. So I was a bit surprised to know that the family of these girls would not accept their conversion to Islam. They told me that their parents were a practicing “hardcore” Christian and perhaps that’s one of the reasons why their parents found it unacceptable. Anyhow…

The host, Jacky, turned out to be a really EXCELLENT chef! She cooked a lot of foods. Not just foods, but DELICIOUS foods. The soup, biryani rice, raita (yum!!!!!), samousa, and some fruit deserts. My stomach were about to explode eating sooooooo much foods!

I had a lot of fun. It was no doubt the best ifthar I ever had in the Netherlands — ever since I arrived here 3 years ago. I start to wonder why all the good things always come during my last year of living here?! But anyhow, we’re planning to meet up again during Eid insya Allah! 🙂

Meeting a Muslim convert makes me feel so grateful and blessed that I’m a born Muslim. Often time we take this for granted, don’t you think? It’s definitely something that we should be grateful about. Having lived in a non-Muslim majority country for more than 7 years, the time has come for me to live in a Muslim-majority country again. Without a doubt, I’ve enjoyed living here or anywhere in the world. In terms of religion-wise, I’ve learnt and known Islam much better than if I’d in a Muslim country. But with Islamophobia sweeping across Europe, it’s time for me to go back to the country where I can practice my religion freely and where I can wear hijab without being the center of attention. It hurts to constantly hear Islam — my faith and my way of life — to be insulted and ridiculed again and again. Do insult my race or my nationality, but not my religion.

Thank you, ya Allah for always giving me reminders, giving me the best experience of my life, and answering my prayers. I cannot be any happier.

I’m going to be very frank here. I used to have problems with prayer, sholat, or shalah. It did not give me peace and serenity that it always promised. I could not concentrate. I could not reach the state of khushu’. My mind was always somewhere else, no matter how much I wanted to concentrate. It was more like a “mechanical” ritual, as most of the things were said or recited so frequently that I often forgot what I recited. I did feel like a robot: reciting things without even realizing what came out of my mouth. There was a lack of connection between Allah SWT and I in the sholat.

Yes, my prayers had not been a comfort to my eyes. It’s sad, isn’t it? Something was definitely missing. But I could not figure out why or what was missing! At one point, I blamed myself — maybe I was not devoted enough. Maybe I had to read more Islamic books so that I could improve my sholat. Maybe I had to work hard for it. Or maybe,… maybe, time would tell. Maybe one day it would change like magic.

A few years ago I encountered this video on Why and How to Learn Arabic by Nouman Ali Khan. The whole talk was a slap to my face. I never realized the importance of learning Arabic (except to read the Qur’an) until I watched the talk. Learning Arabic is indeed very important, not to converse, not to order shawerma in Mekkah, but to understand the Qur’an. He gave a lot of reasons why it’s such an important language. I won’t write them here (because you need to watch it), but the video was enough to convince me that I had to start learning Arabic for the sake of understanding Allah’s words — so that I could pay attention to the ayats that were being recited in the sholat.

In the beginning, I did. I tried to learn Arabic language by myself through online resources. I could confidently say that I was not a beginner in Arabic language. I could still understand bits and pieces (i.e. some words) in the Qur’an. So it was not hard for me to learn it, alhamdulillah. I was certain that I could do this by myself. After all, Allah SWT promised us that He would make it easy for us to learn Arabic if we do it for the sake of remembrance to Him :).

Unfortunately, other commitments kept me busy and I started to abandon it completely. I stopped studying Arabic language. Years passed by and I came across a whole complete tafseer of Juz Amma and Tabarak by Nouman Ali Khan and Shaykh Abdul Nasir Jangda. I listened to the tafseer of Surah Al-Ikhlas and I was amazed by its depth! For the first time of my life, I was able to appreciate the Qur’an not only by its meaning and lessons, but also its linguistic aspect. Every time I recited Surah Al-Ikhlas in my prayer, I felt like Allah SWT told me to say HuwaAllahu ahad. He is Allah, One. It felt like He’s talking to me. Understanding and contemplating His words made so much difference. Subhanallah.

After that amazing experience, I tried to read the translation of the Qur’an, especially the short surahs that I usually recited in my sholat. I had been trying to listen to the tafseer of other surahs but I had not had the time for it yet (I think this is an excuse hahaha). Because I really had to sit down and listen carefully to the recording. I tried downloading it and putting it in my iPod so that I could listen to it on my way to campus, but I could not remember it somehow. So for now, I only read the translations of some surahs so that at least I could understand what I recited in my sholat.

Besides reading the translation, I also listened to this khutbah about Surah Al-Fatiha (again, by Nouman Ali Khan). The khutbah is more about the lessons and reminders from the surah, rather than the in-depth tafseer itself. Surah Al-Fatiha is an important surah as we’re told to recite it every single time we stand in prayers. Since it’s recited so frequently, it’s easy for us to lose our concentration when we recite this surah. The next thing we know, it’s already amin. But upon listening to the khutbah, my sholat greatly improved. Alhamdulillah.

I also discovered not long time ago that Allah SWT is actually conversing with us every time we recite Surah Al-Fatiha. For example, when we say alhamdulillahi rabbil alamin (All praise and thanks are due to Allah, the Lord of the Worlds), Allah SWT responds with “my servant has praised Me”, and so on (read the full hadith).  I did not know that! It’s amazing, isn’t it?! This makes Surah Al-Fatiha the core and primary experience of the prayer. When I read this hadith, I vowed to never miss that chance of speaking with Allah SWT again. I had to make my sholat right this time.

The next video I encountered was The Meaning of the Tashahhud by Shaykh Abdul Nasir Jangda. Tashahhud is the sitting portion of the sholat. Although I understood most parts of the tashahhud, I failed to pay attention to its meaning whenever I said it. Again, I did it mechanically: saying things without realizing what I said. Once I watched the video and understood word by word and the stories behind some words, I could pay attention! It just felt so different and amazing. No words could describe it. After that, I tried to learn and memorize other phrases recited/said in sholat.

By the way, Bayyinah Institute, which was founded by Nouman Ali Khan, offered a weekend seminar called Meaningful Prayer which explains both the linguistic meanings behind each word in the prayer and the literary beauty in them. If I were in the States, I would have definitely taken part in this seminar!! I wish I could find such seminar in my country. Anyway…

Alhamdulillah, by doing my own self-study, my sholat nowadays becomes an amazing experience that I greatly enjoy. I do it not only because Allah SWT told me to, but it’s also because I love it and I find peace and serenity every time I do it. I find that the later reason is much stronger than the former. I find that sholat is a blessing that keeps me connected to Allah SWT and constantly asking for His guidance. I would never say that my sholat is near perfect — in fact, it’s imperfect, but I really hope that… insya Allah… my effort to improve my sholat is counted and my sholat (and yours) will be accepted by Him. Amin.

If you want to improve your daily prayers like I do, it’s never too late to do it. Here are some of the videos/audios that I find very useful:

• Literary Gems of Prayer by Shaykh Abdul Nasir Jangda — watching this video made me feel SOOOOOO regret that I had been doing sholat without understanding anything I recited.
• The Meaning of the Tashahhud by Shaykh Abdul Nasir Jangda — the beauty and the meaning of each words of the Tashahhud are explained in great detail
• Lessons & Reminders from Surah Al Fatiha by Nouman Ali Khan — this one helps you to understand the surah in detail
• Tafseer of surahs in Juz Amma and Juz Tabarak by Nouman Ali Khan & Shaykh Abdul Nasir Jangda — in-depth tafseer by Bayyinah Institute. You can download the audios as mp3 or as a podcast (for iTunes).
• The Salah Series from SuhaibWebb.com — everything you want to know about sholat is explained here, including the meaning of phrases recited in sholat
• Khusu’ in Sholat by Shaykh Abdul Nasir Jangda — this lecture covers the importance and virtues of khushu’ as well as steps to implement it (which are covered in the links or videos above)
• Extra: Why and How to Learn Arabic for Comprehension of the Qur’an by Nouman Ali Khan — amazing talk which successfully made me regret all my life that I never took Arabic language seriously.

UPDATE: some more links

• PrayAnywhere — all the supplications in the sholat are explained here! I love them!
• RamadanPrep — there’s a talk called Your Salah 2.0 by Shaykh Abdul Nasir Jangda explaining about the meaning of takbir, sujud, and one of the concluding supplications.

I don’t know if this is an Asian thing or an Indonesian thing. But somehow, they get offended when they are not invited, be it a gathering, dinner party, wedding party, or anything, really! Some of them may not be offended, but they would keep on wondering why they’re not invited. Sometimes, they’d ask the reason directly to the host!

I have no problem at all if I’m not invited, especially if I’m not that close to the host — even if we’re in the same circle of friends. People have preferences and perhaps they want to limit the number of attendees… you know, there are many reasons to that! I don’t give a damn on these things.

This attitude of mine usually brings me to "trouble". Sometimes when I told a friend that I would be attending such and such gathering, I would be told later on that she was not invited. There was a sudden silent after that conversation :|. I suddenly felt so guilty for mentioning it in the first place because somehow I felt like she’s offended. This happens so frequently. I just never realize it and I keep on forgetting to be extra careful!

Some people would also ask me to invite this friend or that friend because otherwise they’d feel "gak enak" or awkward if he/she happens to know that he/she is not invited. I don’t accept that reason to be legitimate. I know that some people feel more comfortable to be around with some groups of people, so I would accept to invite extra people for that purpose. I don’t mind it at all. But if the reason is "gak enak" then, that’s totally your problem! Not my problem!!! Sometimes I wonder, helloooo… who’s the host here?! I have the right to invite who’s coming to the party and I really find it impolite for them to "force" me to invite that person for the reason that’s not related to mine or the liveliness of the party.

How long does a person need in order to feel rejected? The signs are posted everywhere. Only blind person can’t see them.

I wish I could just say, “Here. That’s the way out. That’s the door. Thank you for coming.”

But I just can’t.

This is a famous Egyptian bread pudding called Umm Ali (meaning: the mother of Ali). According to this website:

Umm Ali (the dish) dates back to Ottoman era Egypt, when legend has it the sultan stopped in a poor village looking for something to eat and the village’s best cook, named Umm Ali, made something akin to this dish. There are other legends too, about a British nurse named O’Malley who may have invented the recipe.

Whatever the history was, what matters the most is that this desert is SOOOOO delicious! It is usually served during Ramadhan.

I remember when I was in Jeddah last year, I was craving for Umm Ali. So we tried to find it and ask people about it. But somehow we couldn’t locate which restaurant served this delicious dish. So my dad took us to a 4-star hotel. Having worked in a tourism business for more than 10 years, he knew most of the people in that hotel really well. From the manager to the security guy. So he asked the chef to make Umm Ali especially for us! Hahahaha. It was the best Umm Ali I’ve ever had!!! EVER. It wasn’t too sweet. The taste was just right on the spot! And it was for free! What more could I ask for?!

My brother (who also came with us to eat Umm Ali) said: “Malu-maluin aja. Dateng kesini cuma mau makan Umm Ali. Gratis pula!” Basically he said that we should be ashamed of ourselves for coming to the hotel only for the sake of Umm Ali! When we finished eating, he popped up the question “That’s it?! We’re leaving now?” Hahaha. Yep. We left and I didn’t feel ashamed at all LOL.

Now I’m craving for this desert all over again. Somehow, the craving and the homesickness always show up prior to/during Ramadhan. Spending Ramadhan in Saudi Arabia is just the best.

I’m going to try making Umm Ali next time! 🙂 (read: when I’m in the mood of cooking). I’ve got the recipe already. Yay.