Project 365

I’m always amazed with the evolution of web applications. Ages ago, we used to rely on RSS and everyone seems to have his/her own Google Reader to keep up with recent updates of news, blogs, and so on. At the same time, email notifications were widely used too, even until this day. A lot of blogs actually rely on email subscriptions to notify users of new posts. Then few year ago, Facebook and other social media came as a platform for sharing anything on the internet. Almost all bloggers have their own dedicated Facebook page. Even I want to make one, but I know I won’t be very “diligent” in making it growing. So I leave this idea to rest.

Now, slowly one by one, websites are starting to adopt push notifications. Readers can subscribe to the notifications and they will get notified whenever there are new new posts from the websites. It’s an interesting concept! Chrome and Firefox browsers support this feature, while Microsoft Edge and Safari will follow suit.

I am now trying some push notification services that are available free of charge in the market. I am currently eyeing for OneSignal and I hope I am making a good decision to adopt it. Stay tuned!

Today was my first day at the headquarter of SWIFT, the company where I work at. The HQ is huge, with a big park inside the complex and small streams. There are different buildings scattered across the complex. They are really beautifully designed. The interior has different themes and design: contemporary, nature, zen, and vintage. I wish I can post the pictures here but I’m not able to due to security reasons.

I love the company’s cafetaria! The foods are awesome and healthy. Since it’s not halal, I would opt for vegetarian and seafood. There are salad bar too so we can take as many as salad we want. I love it! Most importantly, the price is very cheap! The drinks and coffee are free all day long. Here is what I ate today (6 euros):

You won’t be able to get the same price outside. This sort of meal should cost me more than 10 euros outside.

Alhamdulillah for everything.

It feels so good to be back. It really is. Despite the cold weather and the gloomy sky, Brussels brings back the good memories of living in Europe for 3 years. The leafless trees occupying the stretch of streets, old buildings that are well maintained, cycling, wearing boots,… ah, I can’t deny that I miss it very much. I still can’t believe that I’m back here!

Well, temporarily. The new company I work at (yes, I have resigned) requires me to go to Brussels for training. The headquarter is located in a small town just south of Brussels; this is the reason why I’m here in the first place.

I am very lucky to be able to go here for free. Although I’m only going to be here for two weeks, I’m planning to cross the border to the Netherlands and visit my good friends in Eindhoven during the weekend. I can’t wait to see them again!

But Gotama would claim that he did find a way out and that Nirvana did, therefore, exist. Unlike many religious people, however, he did not regard this panacea as supernatural. He did not rely on divine aid from another world, but was convinced that Nirvana was a state that was entirely natural to human beings and could be experienced by any genuine seeker.

Currently reading Buddha by Karen Armstrong.

"You don’t understand our cultures," said a close friend of mine when I was suddenly lost in our conversation about Indonesian/Malay cultures. While he perceived this as a joke, it really hit hard on me. How could he say such a thing? How daring was he to even say that! It was just too hurtful to hear it and I didn’t think he understood why I took his particular comment so seriously.

Being a third-culture kid, I do understand that I am a product of different cultures. I understand that I may not be able to understand those cultures because sometimes only bits and pieces of them were taken. However, some times third-culture kids want to feel belong too. I want to feel that I am belong. For God sake, I am an Indonesian, albeit not a real one since I’ve only lived there for three years during High School. But sometimes you just don’t want to feel being cornered as a fake Indonesian all the time. When you don’t understand the jokes or some phrases being thrown at you, at the very least you’d want to know what their meanings. But if people keep on cornering you all the time; if people keep on telling you that you are a fake Indonesian and you don’t understand Indonesian culture without even explaining the meanings of those jokes or phrases; how are you going to learn to be a real Indonesian?

Or maybe I should just stop trying to be an Indonesian. Just go with the flow and be just me.

And this is one of the many reasons why I always hesitate to go back to Indonesia for good. Is Indonesia home for me? No. Not yet.

… for disappearing too long.

Emails are left ignored. Messages are no longer replied. Facebook has been deactivated. Twitter is no longer exciting.

After trying to move on and get on with my life for almost a year in KL, I have decided to cut off all my communication with friends overseas: the Netherlands, Indonesia, Saudi Arabia, ah you name it.

For me, this would be the best move so far to get me where I always want: to completely move on. Not knowing anyone’s updates, not looking at their pictures, not saying or hearing those painful words "I miss you too!" or "I wish you were here", or even pretending that I have no friends is the best remedy I could probably think of.

I do feel better being like this and I don’t know until when I’ll disappear from all the social hype. I still feel sad whenever a colleague of mine came back from Amsterdam office for a project. It makes me realize that I haven’t completely moved on yet, but hopefully I’m getting there.

Life in KL is still as unfruitful as it’s always be. Nothing exciting. Boring. No new friends. Just nothing. You know you have no life when you prefer working rather than taking leave days. It’s pathetic, I know. But work is the only thing that makes me completely happy and contented.

The question is, how long can I live in this way?

How can anyone live without human connections? I can’t and I never will. I don’t know what He has planned for me. But I just wish that it won’t be too long. I can’t take it anymore.

After going through some rough times that I would even categorize them as depression, I am trying to get back up again and walk with my head straight to the future. It’s hard. I know it is. I will definitely face another roadblocks. Another challenge that can bring myself down to my knee. Especially when I have so few friends. But this time, I am determined to do this. I really want to get out from this dark room that I’ve been living for so long.

If Rumi and Hafez can depend on no one but the Beloved, why can’t I do it? I need to discipline my desire to have many friends that I can relate to inside out. I need to get used to the fact that I don’t have anyone to spend with during the weekends. I wanna stay at home, do nothing, and be OK with it. It’s definitely hard to do it, knowing that I’m a very social person. But its been 6 months and the situation is not getting any better. It was getting worst at one point. I need to start living with no social life. I need to stop having the urge to talk to people. I need to keep my emotion to myself. My stories to myself. My happiness and sadness to myself. I just need to change everything that I was known of.

This is not the nicest way to make me feel better. But I am running out of ideas. Each idea and each step that I did led me to another breakdown. It was not working at all, unless I have close friends that I can rely to and family friends that I feel so attached to. I miss teh Rita and mas Umar. I really do. They are my second family.

There is a hole inside my heart and no one can covers it at the moment. It’s getting bigger and it hurts so damn bad. I can’t cover the hole, but I can make it frozen so that the pain is temporarily gone. So that I will feel numb and eventually, I hope that I will realize that it’s OK to have no one. Because Allah is always with me and never leaves me.

And that’s what I am trying to do. I hope it’s working. InsyaAllah. Please keep me in your prayers.

But do tell me, what’s troubling you? Are you working now? If not, hop on a plane and come stay with me in Taiwan for a week or two. Don’t worry about accommodation and food. I got you covered! I mean it! You just get yourself a plane ticket and a suitcase and come on over. You need a break. We’ll go somewhere…get outta Taipei for a weekend. I sure as hell could use a getaway!

— Jenn

I’ll do everything to make myself better. Even if I have to go to Taiwan. Isn’t it pathetic that I have to go somewhere to talk to people whom I can relate to and can pour my heart inside and out?

I’m going to see Mayu in Brisbane in September insyaAllah… and Taiwan… perhaps after that!

My fourth month in KL hasn’t gone any better… in terms of social life. It saddens me a lot. I’m going crazy if it continues to be like this for a year or more.

It’s been three months and almost every weekend, I cry. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me. I’ve done everything I can to keep me busy and meet friends, but whenever I get back home, this feeling is all over me again.

I thought once I started working, I would completely heal. But apparently, it’s still there. I’m not sure what to do anymore :(. Oh I wish I can have someone I can talk to here… who I feel totally comfortable talking with… at least to let go a little bit of my burden that I always carry on my own. I wish 🙁