Project 365

… for disappearing too long.

Emails are left ignored. Messages are no longer replied. Facebook has been deactivated. Twitter is no longer exciting.

After trying to move on and get on with my life for almost a year in KL, I have decided to cut off all my communication with friends overseas: the Netherlands, Indonesia, Saudi Arabia, ah you name it.

For me, this would be the best move so far to get me where I always want: to completely move on. Not knowing anyone’s updates, not looking at their pictures, not saying or hearing those painful words "I miss you too!" or "I wish you were here", or even pretending that I have no friends is the best remedy I could probably think of.

I do feel better being like this and I don’t know until when I’ll disappear from all the social hype. I still feel sad whenever a colleague of mine came back from Amsterdam office for a project. It makes me realize that I haven’t completely moved on yet, but hopefully I’m getting there.

Life in KL is still as unfruitful as it’s always be. Nothing exciting. Boring. No new friends. Just nothing. You know you have no life when you prefer working rather than taking leave days. It’s pathetic, I know. But work is the only thing that makes me completely happy and contented.

The question is, how long can I live in this way?

How can anyone live without human connections? I can’t and I never will. I don’t know what He has planned for me. But I just wish that it won’t be too long. I can’t take it anymore.

After going through some rough times that I would even categorize them as depression, I am trying to get back up again and walk with my head straight to the future. It’s hard. I know it is. I will definitely face another roadblocks. Another challenge that can bring myself down to my knee. Especially when I have so few friends. But this time, I am determined to do this. I really want to get out from this dark room that I’ve been living for so long.

If Rumi and Hafez can depend on no one but the Beloved, why can’t I do it? I need to discipline my desire to have many friends that I can relate to inside out. I need to get used to the fact that I don’t have anyone to spend with during the weekends. I wanna stay at home, do nothing, and be OK with it. It’s definitely hard to do it, knowing that I’m a very social person. But its been 6 months and the situation is not getting any better. It was getting worst at one point. I need to start living with no social life. I need to stop having the urge to talk to people. I need to keep my emotion to myself. My stories to myself. My happiness and sadness to myself. I just need to change everything that I was known of.

This is not the nicest way to make me feel better. But I am running out of ideas. Each idea and each step that I did led me to another breakdown. It was not working at all, unless I have close friends that I can rely to and family friends that I feel so attached to. I miss teh Rita and mas Umar. I really do. They are my second family.

There is a hole inside my heart and no one can covers it at the moment. It’s getting bigger and it hurts so damn bad. I can’t cover the hole, but I can make it frozen so that the pain is temporarily gone. So that I will feel numb and eventually, I hope that I will realize that it’s OK to have no one. Because Allah is always with me and never leaves me.

And that’s what I am trying to do. I hope it’s working. InsyaAllah. Please keep me in your prayers.

When the words stop and you can endure the silence that reveals your heart’s pain of emptiness or that great wrenching-sweet longing, that is the time to try and listen to what the Beloved’s eyes most want to say.

— Hafez

But do tell me, what’s troubling you? Are you working now? If not, hop on a plane and come stay with me in Taiwan for a week or two. Don’t worry about accommodation and food. I got you covered! I mean it! You just get yourself a plane ticket and a suitcase and come on over. You need a break. We’ll go somewhere…get outta Taipei for a weekend. I sure as hell could use a getaway!

— Jenn

I’ll do everything to make myself better. Even if I have to go to Taiwan. Isn’t it pathetic that I have to go somewhere to talk to people whom I can relate to and can pour my heart inside and out?

I’m going to see Mayu in Brisbane in September insyaAllah… and Taiwan… perhaps after that!

My fourth month in KL hasn’t gone any better… in terms of social life. It saddens me a lot. I’m going crazy if it continues to be like this for a year or more.

It’s been three months and almost every weekend, I cry. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me. I’ve done everything I can to keep me busy and meet friends, but whenever I get back home, this feeling is all over me again.

I thought once I started working, I would completely heal. But apparently, it’s still there. I’m not sure what to do anymore :(. Oh I wish I can have someone I can talk to here… who I feel totally comfortable talking with… at least to let go a little bit of my burden that I always carry on my own. I wish 🙁

Chilling out from one cafe to another with some friends… 🙂

Whenever I prostrate my head He is the one to whom I bow;
In six directions or outside the six, he is the one I worship.
The garden, the rose, the nightingale, music and the beauteous maiden
Are a mere excuse and He alone is the real object.

— Jalal ad-Din Rumi

When you have lived in Malaysia for few months, you know what I am talking about.

Yes, Malaysia is a multi-racial and multicultural country. Everyone knows that. But I find it intimidating that countless forms, both online or paper versions, belonging not only to government organizations but also commercial companies, contain the question of ethnicity. What does it have to do with anything? Tell me, why does a telecommunication company want to know your ethnicity? How about an internet company? What’s their purpose, really?