Project 365

The Arabs have a weird way of greeting their friends. They would ask the following questions:

• How are you?
• How’s everything?
• How’s your health?
• How’s your family?
• How’s your son/daughter?
• and the list is expanding… (but usually those first four questions are asked)

And what’s the answer to all those questions?

Alhamdulillah. All praise is due to Allah SWT.

In Saudi Arabia, when you greet a person, you’d kiss him/her on the cheek. So if you ask him/her four questions above, then you’d kiss him/her for four times. So it all depends on the number of questions that you ask. And all of them must be answered with alhamdulillah.

If you have no idea what I’m talking about, I suggest you watch this funny and short video made by MTV Arabia about Saudi kiss:

My brother and I used to make fun of the way Arabs greet. It’s funny, when you think about it. I mean, you ask so many questions and no matter what you ask, the answer will always be alhamdulillah! It’s soooo “basa-basi”.

Anyway, it turns out that this way of greeting has existed for so long — it was once the habit of salafus shalih (the ‘pious predecessors’ from the first three generations of Muslims) which has been passed down until now! The reason why they did it was so that they can say the word alhamdulillah for so many times. In other words, they deliberately did it so that we can praise Allah SWT more often — i.e. so that we can be grateful to Allah SWT more often.

Subhanallah, I didn’t know that!!! I’m such a loser for thinking about it in another way. Oh God, please forgive me.

* Taken from a book titled “Kaya & Bahagia dengan Syukur” by Ahmad Hadi Yasin.

Eindhoven was found to have the highest crime rate in the Netherlands for 2006, 2007, 2009, and 2010

— Wikipedia

I was quite shocked to read it! I mean, I knew that Eindhoven was the most dangerous place to live in terms of crime rate, but I never knew that it had the highest crime rate four times in 5 years! Wew.

Actually, I live in the least safe neighborhood in Eindhoven (or maybe one of the least safe neighborhoods). Most of the people who live in my neighborhood are immigrants — the Africans/Caribbeans, Moroccans, and the Arabs. And I do get scared of going back home late at night, but thankfully I can take another route that is longer but safer.

Last week, I had the most scariest experience ever! Somebody rang my house door at 1 AM for multiple times and there were no one in the house except me. Yes, ME. Alone in the house. A-L-O-N-E! Can you imagine that?! 😐 I couldn’t do anything but be extremely scared. Yes, I know what you’re thinking. A potential burglar wouldn’t ring the bell before hand, BUT he could do that to see if there’s somebody in the house. RIGHT?! Right?! Am I right or am I right?

Anyway, I was actually soooo scared that I caused the twitterland to panic :P. I did that so if something ever happened to me, my friends knew and could do something about it. I locked my door and turned off the lamps in my room. My friend actually told me to go downstairs to ask who’s ringing the bell so that any potential burglar would have the second thought of going into my house, because the house wasn’t empty! BUT COME ON! I was not brave enough to even go downstairs! What if they decided to break the door, knowing that there’s only a woman in this house?! A lot of things seriously ran into my mind.

The best idea I could come up with when I was in “danger”? Pretending to sleep! Not a very smart move, eh?! Actually, it was the stupidest thing I had ever done! I didn’t even know the emergency phone number, until I wrote this post hahaha. Can you imagine that?

But anyway… thankfully, nothing happened. Alhamdulillah. One of my housemates came home 15 minutes later. It might had been him or his friends. You know me: paranoid in everything haha. Well, weekends are the scariest time to live in the house, to be honest. All of my housemates are usually not home. Grr.

Well, this stranger-rang-the-bell scenario didn’t only happen to me. It happened to my friends as well, who lived not too far from my place but located on a much busier street than mine. Another friend of mine even told me that her apartment was rang for so many times by drunk people.

Oh! Another friend got her house almost robbed two weeks ago! The outermost door was already damaged and the burglar was already inside the house, trying to open the second door which lead to all parts of the house. Thankfully, her brother screamed and threaten him with knife or something. So, the burglar ran away. Her house isn’t that far from mine too 🙂

Eindhoven isn’t THAT bad, I can tell you. I feel so safe here. It’s definitely much safer than in Jakarta. The only thing I’m worried about is robbery and drunk people 😛

Yesterday, I talked to a friend (A) about another friend that I never saw:

me: Oh I don’t know what he’s up to now. I don’t see him these days.

A: You are the one who is nowhere to be seen, mel! You are the one who disappears.

*glek*

This past week has been TOO much for me. The sudden change, the endless desperate Skype calls, and the uncertainties. The pace is just too fast. Have you had a feeling or thought of crying all day to let everything go? You don’t know what’s wrong with you. You just want to cry for no reason. Ok, I’m in that position now.

I need to take a break from everything to cool myself down. See ya in a while!

In the previous post, I wrote about the most important thing that men need, which is respect. For them, respect means love. If they’re angry or they walk away from the conversation out of the sudden, most probably that’s because they don’t feel respected by the wives.

Now… Moving on to the women’s issues… What’s the most important thing that women need…? *drumroll* EXACTLY, yes. Thank you! 😛

The answer is of course love. To feel loved and cared for. And let me tell you guys, women do need this all the time. They need assurance. They want emotional security. They don’t want to be ignored. It doesn’t matter if you’re married for 2, 5, 10, or 40 years. Women always need to feel loved and they need to be assured by it. Never get bored of saying ‘I love you’ every day or give her rose every week (every women is different in terms of what they want), because THAT makes a lot of difference.

A lot of men say: “I show my love to my wife through my attitude or approach. I don’t need to say that in words!” Seriously, that doesn’t help at all. You need to express your love according to her dictionary, not yours. It may not have any meaning to you, but it does for many women. Affection and expression of love is what they need. That’s how most of them measure the relationship. It makes them happy. So be realistic.

A woman may complain to her husband, “You don’t love your family!” or “You don’t care about us!” while the husband has worked so hard to make sure the financial needs of her and the children are met. Well, the thing is for women, emotional closeness is more important than materials and money (I don’t speak for materialistic women because I’m not one. But I do think at some point in time they actually need more love rather than money). Emotional closeness can be in the form of having dinner just the two of you, without the children. Or basically just spending time together (while I also think the men and women need to have their “boys time” or “girls time” respectively with their own friends… but that’s another issue).

One important thing that ALL men are blind about is how to deal with women who want to “curhat” or vent out, either because they have problems or they just want to complain LOL. Most men just jump straight away into “how to solve it” (like in the company: you have problems, solve it right away). But this is not a company! This is a relationship with a complicated creature called woman! In order to deal with women, you have to listen to them and make them feel good and okay. They actually don’t need any solutions (unless they ask!). They just want you to listen to them and be there when they feel down. Hug them and that will make them feel so much better.

So for us, the formula is:

sharing = listening = love

As simple as that! Hahaha. And this is actually true. I’ve experienced it before. When my boyfriend knew how to deal with me when I had problems, that’s when I felt he understood and loved me. Even if he’s not romantic, when that’s fulfilled, I was happy. Compared that to a guy who’s all about romance and sweet words but when it comes to sharing, he doesn’t know what to do and gets panic. I guarantee you that the woman will complain and ask why you don’t understand her and so on… hehehe. I’ve been in both situations hahaha.

Source: @alissawahid‘s tweets, which were actually based on a book titled For Men Only by Shaunti Feldhahn and Jeff Feldhahn. Her tweets were very long (it’s called kultweet = kuliah tweet = tweet lecture?), so I put them together into a single post that can be easily understood (and add my own interpretation or opinion of course hehe).

I’ve said it before and I’m going to say it again. I’m not excited about working in KL at all. Part of the reason is that I don’t know the country! I hate this feeling of not knowing what to expect. I’m kinda lost and intimidated and I’m not confident about it at all.

For studying, I’d prefer to go to a country that is unknown and foreign to me. Before I went to the Netherlands, I didn’t read anything about the culture or the people or even the country itself. I wanted to surprise myself and experienced that culture shock. I deliberately did that.

But for working, I’d rather go to somewhere I’m familiar about. I’m not sure why it matters so much. Somehow, working in a familiar place boosts my confidence. I know how to deal with the people. I know the tricks. I know what to expect. I know what to do. I know my way around. I just feel more confident about myself.

But, seriously Amel!!! You just have to dive into it whether you like it or not!!! What’s so different about working and studying in a foreign country, anyway?! Both of them are foreign to you and you just have to get used to it!

Meh. Oh well.

I’m trying to list the good thing about living in KL/Malaysia so that I’m not too stressed out about moving there:

• I’ll be closer to my sister! When was the last time we lived under the same roof? 11 years ago, was it?
• Malaysia is close to Indonesia. Not that I want to frequently visit Indo… but if I want to travel to Papua or Celebes (still a dream) I can do that easily! Ok, Amel, just be realistic. Sumatra is much closer to Malaysia. Might as well visit that island first!!!
• It’s an Islamic country. No need to be the center of the attention just because I wear hijab! Yay! I’m just like any other people. This is awesome.
• I can hear ADZAN! Perrrrrrfeeeeect!
• Middle Eastern foods can be found easily and they are cheap over there!!!! Yum!
• I have few friends to annoy over there  😛
• The culture is also similar to Indonesia. It’ll be interesting to see what kind of culture shock I’ll have once I’m there 😛
• It’s a multicultural country! Just like Australia and the Netherlands :). Me likey.
• English books are not as expensive as in Indo and postal service is more reliable! Yay online shopping!
• Indian food scatters everywhere!
• Nando’s is also everywhere!!! Hehehehe. Oh peri-peri sauce, I’ve been missing you so bad! Muacks! xx
• The language is similar but funny hehehe. Ah, I’m just going to stick with English for now.
• Malaysia is also close to Thailand. Does it matter? Hahaha. I have no idea. I’m starting to think about doing a road trip to Thailand! LOL. Is that even doable? I  just want to continue my yearly road trip in SE Asia, you know 😉
• The main hub of AirAsia is in fact in KL!
• And… according to my friend, KL has everything hahaha. I’ll need to prove that one myself. LOL.

It’s been a week (or more) that almost the whole Europe is panicking about E.coli. Some of my friends are quite careful of what they eat. One of them is even thinking about not eating veggies at all!

How about me?

I just couldn’t care less. The older I am, the more I think that death can happen to anyone tomorrow if Allah SWT wants it. The destiny of each person has been written already. If I were destined to die tomorrow, whether or not I would be infected by the E.coli, I would die anyway! Ok, that’s creepy right?! Hahahaha.

But you know. Veggies are not even banned by the government. It’s different when you eat veggies that are contaminated with E.coli (and you know it before hand), then that’s the same as suicide! But the veggies are still safe to eat! So why bother to be paranoid? Hehehehe.

I was also laughing when people got suddenly afraid when it’s "predicted" that Jakarta would have tsunami or earthquake in few years time. First of all, no one can predict WHEN exactly the earthquake will happen. Second of all, (back to my previous point) if you’re the only person in Jakarta who was destined to live, you would live no matter what! You would live even though the whole Jakarta was flat!

Ok, that’s just me, you know. The ignorant part of my brain ticks in. Hence, this stupid post 😛

I’ve been reading the tweets of mbak Alissa Wahid (yes, she’s the daughter of our former president Gus Dur). Many of her tweets are so interesting — ranging from parenting to relationship. I have to admit that I regret I didn’t “record” or put most of them here. I totally forgot what they were all about now haha…

Anyway, about a month ago (or even more, because this post has been in my pending list), she tweeted about marriage: what husbands and wives (should) expect of each other. Her tweets were based on two books: For Women Only and For Men Only — authored by Shaunti Feldhahn and Jeff Feldhahn. The two books were the result of a nationwide survey in the US and more than 1,000 personal interviews. I think it’s quite interesting and I’m sure most of the information were not that new. But sometimes reminders are what we need! So let’s just refresh our mind again…

In this post, I will focus on For Women Only. Again, this piece is taken from mbak Alissa’s tweets 🙂

Love is all you need. Really?

One thing that mbak Alissa emphasized was the fact that showering men with love and care is not actually enough. A man needs to feel that he is respected and trusted by his wife. That’s what he needs the MOST. His worst nightmare is to be humiliated. Once he feels humiliated and embarrassed, he will feel unloved by his wife and can easily lose his temper.  For us, the women, crying tends to be our response to feeling unloved. But for men, anger tends to be their response to feeling disrespected.

So, while we need unconditional love, men need unconditional respect. Don’t tease him or make “bad” comments about him in front of his friends: “Oh but my husband can’t even fix the tire!”. Don’t question his decision: “Oh come on!! Did YOU really think it’s a good idea?!” or abilities: “Why are you so slow?! Can’t you be a lot faster?”.

The bottom line is, don’t make him feel that he’s not good enough for you. Don’t lower his self-esteem. Don’t make him “less”. Believe him and trust in him and appreciate his efforts (and let him know that!). Give him full support rather than demands. Encourage him.

Criticism is important, but how you say it does make a difference.

Based on research, 74% men would rather be ignored, be alone, or feel unloved than to be humiliated. So, from this point on we can conclude that for men:

respect = love

That’s the formula, people! hihihi. If you wanna feel loved, you have to respect your man first!

This post is actually a note to self (hmm most of my posts serve this purpose actually hehehe). It doesn’t only apply for relationships and marriages. But also friendships. I have to admit though, I do pass out bad comments to guys whom I don’t like. I use that as a weapon to turn them away hahaha. Oh I’m bad!!!

But I do remember, one of my ex asked me at one time, why I would always hesitate to ask him for help. The thing was, I used to do that to all people because I felt “gak enakan”… I just felt that I’d cause them trouble and inconvenience. But for him, apparently, that’s how he showed his love. Protecting and helping me. That’s what made him feels good about himself. And this is only a minor example. It can extend to the fact that a husband provides financial needs to the family. When he provides, he feels powerful as he feels the family depends on him :). He wants to feel depended on because that shows the family actually trusts him (in supporting them).

Being an independent woman also proves to be hard because often time I give a wrong impression that I don’t need him or any guys in general, but that is actually wrong. I don’t think I’m overly independent. There are certain things that I and all other independent women (and all women basically) need. That’s of course will be discussed in the next post, which will focus on For Men Only! Be patient, guys 😛

* I decided to post the series of Parenting 101 that I found through the stuff I read (especially on Twitter), so that I can refer to it again when the time comes 🙂

Research study shows that praising children for their brain and intelligence can have adverse effects on them, especially with regards to their academic achievement. These so-called fixed-mindset children tend to:

• Consider failure as a result of intrinsic factor, i.e. their intelligence. Therefore they tend to think that failure is beyond their control.
• Put an extra emphasis on being smart and “looking” smart rather than trying as hard as they can (and learn from their success or failure)
• Be more reluctant to make efforts and attempts, and to learn from their past mistakes or failure.

So what’s the solution?

Rather than praising children for being smart, parents should have praised them for working hard. On the successful completion of a test, parents should not have said, “I’m so proud of you. You’re so smart.” They should have said, “I’m so proud of you. You must have really studied hard.” Big difference. This appeals to your child’s controllable effort rather than to mysterious, unchangeable talent. It’s called “growth mindset” praise.

More than 30 years of study show that children raised in growth-mindset homes consistently outscore their fixed-mindset peers in academic achievement. For example, kids regularly praised for effort solve 50 to 60 percent more hard math problems than kids praised for intelligence. Because these growth-mindset kids believe mistakes occur from of lack of effort, not from a lack of ability, the kids know exactly how to remedy mistakes: simply apply more effort.

With regards to praising, I also have to agree with Nouman Ali Khan that praising someone (anyone, not only kids) boosts their ego. It does more harm than good, although I admit I praise people without me realizing hahaha… I have to be more careful next time!

Source:

• @bincangedukasi
• Huffington Post: Why You Shouldn’t Praise Your Child’s Intelligence

Well, how can I say write this? I’m getting a bit emotional now.

It isn’t exactly right to say that my only sister is ill. Because most of the time she is perfectly fine. But let me put it this way: for more than 5 years, she’s been struggling and suffering. Almost every year, there’s a time when she has to be sent back to Jeddah and take a break from the university for months. Everyone, especially my parents are worried about her. She has a lot of dreams but somehow her suffering prevents that.

My parents asked me a few moments ago if I’d be willing to live with her for 2 years until (at least) she graduates. They wanted me to take care of her and hoped that I could find a job there. This was a hard decision to make knowing that I got a lot of things I wanted to do (in Indonesia) but I knew that I had no other choices. I gotta do this for sure :(. I never thought of (temporarily) giving up my dreams to someone coz for me it was impossible. But hey, it doesn’t seem impossible anymore. I’m sad, because I’m still in shock but I know I’ll get over it soon.

I ask myself this question: am I not destined to go back to Indonesia? LOL