Project 365

How long does a person need in order to feel rejected? The signs are posted everywhere. Only blind person can’t see them.

I wish I could just say, “Here. That’s the way out. That’s the door. Thank you for coming.”

But I just can’t.

I found an interesting poll at MuslimMatters.org. This poll has been closed but I was struck at the poll result! 33% of the women who wear Islamic attire have never been sexually harassed in the West, while 32% of the votes said they have. Yes, I know… the poll show a strange result if you look at the percentages of other options, but this is a reminder that sexual harassment are plaguing women every single day… no matter where they live. Based on my experience of living and traveling in the West and Muslim world, I have to agree with the result of this poll. I have never been sexually harassed in any non-Muslim-majority countries that I went to. It is in the Muslim-majority country that I often experience such thing. In fact, it’s reported that 90% of Yemeni women said that they had been harassed (80% for Egyptians and 30% for Lebanese). Isn’t it sad?!

Saudi Arabia is a place where I constantly experience sexual harassment. It’s not a safe place for women to go around without men. And it’s NOT always a guarantee that you wouldn’t be harassed when you go with your brother or father. I have been stared from top to bottom, hissed, followed, thrown a business card, touched (thank God “only” my hand, but others may experience worst that me), and I have seen something that I should have not seen. I have also been followed with a car, which was scary! I have heard lots of inappropriate and sexual comments directed at me on the streets and the malls. It doesn’t happen only to me, I assure you. No matter how old you are and no matter how much you cover yourself, women in Saudi Arabia experience harassment almost every single day.

If you think that Mekkah and Madinah are the least place for women to experience sexual harassment, then you are gravely wrong! Inappropriate comments here and there can be heard even when you are in the Holy Mosque! I remember I was constantly stared by this creepy old man for an hour prior to the Eid Prayer at the Haram Mosque in Mekkah. I was very angry but I couldn’t do anything except to ignore him. I did react a couple of times when I was sexually harassed, but I didn’t want to cause disturbance this time at the mosque during one of the holiest months. Normally, women do not react when they experience such thing, allowing men to do it again as they please. BUT I’d suggest to do something about it! Scold him or  even threaten him to the religious police!! That would make him dead scared.

Anyway, the experience I wrote above didn’t only happen in Saudi Arabia. Indonesia is no exception, although it’s still “ok” if compared to Saudi Arabia. But still, sexual harassment knows no boundary. Even if it’s in the form of comments like “where are you going, pretty girl?”, it’s still considered a harassment.

I always wonder, why does it happen so frequently in the Muslim world? Is it because we’re too strict? (I’m talking about Saudi Arabia or Iran) Is it because men and women are forced to be segregated all the time? Is it because of the concept of mahram (guardian) that is being abused and misused?

Or are we perhaps too flexible and laid-back? (like in Indonesia or perhaps Malaysia) Men and women are not segregated. They can mingle as freely as they can without worrying about religious authorities. If that’s the case, why does sexual harassment  still exist there? I’m not saying that there’s no such thing as sexual harassment in the West, but I never experienced it (hopefully I won’t!). Maybe it’s different if I wore revealing and skimpy clothes and went to the club. Maybe! I don’t know. I never done that hahaha.

One day, a friend of mine asked me via twitter: “as a globetrotter, don’t you think the more liberal the country is, the less sexual harassment they experience? No hidden curiosity”.

That’s a tricky question! While I enjoy my life in the West free from disturbing comments or weird stares, I don’t support liberal views for obvious reasons (e.g. religion). We don’t need a totally free society but we also don’t need a strict one! But how can we be in the middle between the free and strict system? How can we teach the kids in a way that when they grow older, they wouldn’t look at women merely as an “object”? I don’t know the answer to those questions, to be honest.

My friend, who has been to Iran, Jordan, and Syria, also told me that out of all the three countries, she thinks Syria is the best. Iran is too strict, so it’s common for the youth to secretly hold mixed-sex parties with alcohol and drugs. Jordan, on the other hand, is too liberal and the women often complain about sexual harassment over there. Syria, according to her, is actually in the middle between Iran and Jordan. There are no restrictions imposed, nor visual judgment on women who don’t dress modestly. But most women dress and talk decently. Please note that her opinion is based on her observation after traveling to those countries and mingling with the locals (through CouchSurfing! What else, really?!).

She makes me want to go to Syria again!!! I want to go there and meet my uncle and aunt to discuss about this. Hopefully Syria is “recovering” soon from the unrest.

I want to conclude this post with this verse in the Qur’an:

Tell the believing men to lower their gaze (from looking at forbidden things), and protect their private parts (from illegal sexual acts, etc.). That is purer for them. Verily, Allah is All-Aware of what they do.

— The Qur’an (24:30)

“Love language” is the concept developed by Gary Chapman, which defines a primary way of expressing and interpreting love. Everyone has different ways to make others feel loved and appreciated.  Some people prefer to use their own love language when expressing love to others and some would prefer to use other love language(s) than their own to do that.

There are five different love languages that Chapman mentioned:

• Words of Affirmation
  This can be in the form of verbal appreciation, unsolicited compliments, and encouragement. Things like “I love you” or “You look handsome today” mean the world to people of this love language. Hearing the reasons behind that love sends their spirits skyward. Insults can leave them shattered and are not easily forgotten.
• Quality Time
  Spending time and being there with the significant other –with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby– is what quality time all about. Quality conversation is very important for these people, whether it is about sharing experiences, thoughts, feeling, or desires. Quality activities, like doing activities that they love to do with their loved ones, are also a very important part of quality time. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.
• Receiving Gifts
  Some people respond well to visual symbols of love. Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous–so would the absence of everyday gestures.
• Acts of Service
  People of this love language view anything that can be done to ease the burden of others as an expression of love and devotion. This can be demonstrated by doing simple chores around the house or doing something without being asked. It is very important to understand what acts of service these people most appreciate. Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.
• Physical Touch
  This love language is marked by the desire to be touched. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face–these are some ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.

So I hope by now you can identify the love language of the people around you — your family members (including your kids), friends, partner, or boy/girlfriend. Everyone has one primary love language that they speak and it’s not rare to speak one primary language and one secondary language.

One important thing that we must understand about love language is that: all of us need to express our love based on the love language of our  significant other. We need to know their love language in order for us to speak the same language. We need to fill their “love tank” with the right love language so that they would feel loved. If not, “miscommunication” can occur and they would complain that we don’t understand them because they don’t feel that their needs are fulfilled. So, from now on, let’s fill their love tank with the love language they prefer, before it’s being filled by other people! 🙂

My love language is quality time and I tend to speak the same language when expressing my love to others. I just love spending time with friends. Sitting in a café, having dinner together, or traveling together are the things I love to do the most. This is probably the reason why my brother and I can get along really well. The presence of each other means so much to both of us. I love spending time in his room (and he always forced me to be in his room). You might find us singing or dancing like there’s no tomorrow, talking like grown-ups do, or just doing something on our own — it doesn’t matter. We just love to be in each other’s company. That’s probably why I love to have roommates!! 😉

I do get irritated when people postpone or cancel our meet-ups or dates (not all the time, but depending on circumstances and reasons, of course). I also feel awful when people ignore me or pretend to listen to me when they actually don’t. If you’re busy, tell me that you are and I’d definitely understand.

My only grandma, interestingly, loves to receive gifts. I observe that she would appreciate more if others notice what she wants and suddenly buy her the gift. I remember at one time she complained about forgetting to buy meses (chocolate sprinkles or hagelslag). So when I went out with friends, I decided to buy her a pack of meses (I didn’t plan to, but I suddenly remembered when I passed a supermarket). She was soooo happy when I gave it to her! She overly praised me in front of others, although it’s only meses!!! Hehehe. I never understood why she loved receiving things from others, but after finding the five love languages, I understood why she felt that way :).

So, what’s your love language? If you don’t know, you can take the quiz to find it out 🙂

P.S. I haven’t read Chapman’s book and I don’t think I will haha!

P.S.S. If you think I have so much time available to post this stuff on my blog, think again! This has been saved as a draft for almost a month! (in case you’re wondering hihihi)

Sources:

• Official Website: The Five Love Languages
• Book Review: The Five Love Languages
• @AlissaWahid

I always tell people (and myself) that I can never imitate other people’s accents. I’m not Russell Peters. I can’t make fun of accents because I just don’t know how to talk in different accents! But here’s the funny part…

Many people (not one or two, but more than five people!) told me that they thought I was a Sundanese! Can you imagine that?! In the beginning I thought it was weird, until someone pointed out that I had a Sundanese accent sometimes. Say what?! Hahaha.

Now I know why they thought I was a Sundanese. I’ve been spending too much time with the Sundanese people here! hahaha! I gotta tell you, accents are contagious!!! I would never know that I had been talking like a Sundanese until someone pointed that out. Well, I don’t talk 100% like a Sundanese, but there are some “elements”, like words or stress or voice (?) that can be identified directly to a Sundanese.

One thing I failed to realize was that: my accents have been changing depending on where I live and who I talk to the most. Australian. Lebanese. Sundanese. I’ve had those accents (partially) before.

But when I try to imitate those accents, I can never do that! I’m kinda curious though… what kind of accent do I have when I speak English nowadays?! Indonesian? Or just no-accent? 😀

And those who say, “Our Lord, grant us from among our wives and offspring comfort (literally: coolness) to our eyes and make us an example for the righteous.”

— The Qur’an 25:74

This is a pray/du’a that is heard or said very frequently by many Muslims. I especially love the Arabic words for “the coolness to our eyes” in this verse, which is qurrota a’yun. There are a few number of people whose name is “qurrota aini”. I like that name so much because it has such a beautiful meaning: the comfort/joy of my eye. But my knowledge about this expression was limited to that. Little did I know/appreciate this powerful expression!

So, what does it exactly mean for our eyes to become cool?

The phrase “the coolness of the eyes” was actually originated from the pre-Islamic period. The Arabs used to use this expression among each other before the Qur’an was revealed, which was then used in the Qur’an. At that time, one of the worst curses that the Arabs could say against somebody else was by saying: may Allah make his eyes warm. In other words: may he suffer the worst kind of sorrow, sadness, and depression.

There are two meanings associated with “the eyes become cool”. The first meaning is: if your eyes become cool, then that means you shed the tears of joy — you’re so happy that you’re moved to tears. The second one is associated with finding refuge or safety.

So, going back to the context of the verse above, what does it actually imply if we ask God to make our spouse and children a mean for the coolness of our eyes? This implies that we ask Him to make our family a source of happiness and to make them our refuge to get away from the “storm” outside of our house. No matter how many problems we have, no matter how little money we get, our family is the safe havens where we find peace and joy. Our worries suddenly disappear when we see them. They are the coolness of our eyes.

This phrase is also used by the wife of Pharaoh, Asiya (RA). When she found Prophet Musa (AS), she said: “[He will be] a comfort of the eye for me and for you. Do not kill him; perhaps he may benefit us, or we may adopt him as a son.” (Qur’an 28:9). So basically, Prophet Musa (AS) was her escape from the evil Pharaoh. He brought coolness to her eyes. The fact that she said “a comfort of the eye for me and you” (instead of “us”) implies that she didn’t want to associate herself with her husband. She separated herself from him.

The same phrase is again used in the Qur’an in the same story, when Allah SWT reunited Prophet Musa (AS) with his mother for breast feeding. “So we restored him to his mother, that her eye might be comforted and not grieve…” (Qur’an 28:13). Her eyes became warm when she cast him into the river, but they become cool again upon the reunion.

Our beloved Prophet Muhammad SAW was often heard saying: “The comfort of my eyes is placed inside shalaat (prayer)”. When he conversed with Allah SWT, his eyes became cool, he shed tears of joy, and regained his strength.This shows his profound love for shalaat — compare that to a mother losing her child and finding it again (in which Allah SWT said her eyes became cool). Prophet Muhammad SAW used the same expression — the same coolness of the eyes he found when he made shalaat. Has our shalaat been the comfort of our eyes?

Isn’t it amazing how we can learn so much from the Qur’an by having a deeper look and trying to understand the real meaning of only one phrase? Subhanallah. It’s such a powerful and beautiful expression!

Source: Nouman Ali Khan’s Khutbah (30 minutes). Yes, he only explained the deepness of this phrase in this khutbah!

Honestly, I’m not so much into fashion. I don’t follow the latest trends and all that. I buy clothes from "last season" because those are the ones that are on discounts. I don’t mind buying second-hand clothes (like my lovely red coat) on a number of occasions. So the views that I’m writing here isn’t exactly "fair", but since this is my blog, I have the right to write whatever the hell I want, correct? hehehe.

Here’s the thing, I have quite a few problems with the recent trend of a so-called Muslim fashion. In the beginning, it was nice, I totally agree. It was nice to see the fresh change. It was nice that we got the recognition. It was nice to see fashion designers, boutiques,… (or whatever) that can cater the needs of Muslim women. We do need those things. We feel good when we dress nicely, I have to admit. But somehow, I find it to be a bit TOO much!

Suddenly, the Muslim women in the whole country — if not, the whole SE Asian countries — are obsessed with fashion! Too obsessed that as if they were told and forced to dress up in a certain way! They all look exactly the same to me (read: their style). If I can be sarcastic a little bit, I’d probably ask: which god are you following, exactly? Will I be viewed as a social outcast for not following your god?

I’m already viewed as a social outcast for not owning a Blackberry. I’ll be viewed as such if I don’t follow this fashion trend. That’s fine for me. I’m already viewed as "lower" by the Saudi society for not regularly putting a makeup. I think I can deal with another one. What’s wrong with being different?! Plus, I’m NOT going to change my whole wardrobe to this fashion trend. Even if I can afford it, I wouldn’t be doing it. What’s the point? I have to change my whole wardrobe again when the next fashion trend comes up.

I have to agree that fashion is the number one thing that leads to consumerism. That bothers me so much. Gadgets have successfully done a good job on that one. We spend to impress. Isn’t it sad?

All these things boil to one thing: whoever would dress the nicest gets the nod or compliments from their peers. It seems like they’re in a heavy competition to win the Best-Dressed Award. (I’ll tell you what, take the award. I don’t want it, nor do I need it). Well, don’t get me wrong, I like to dress up too! But not the whole time. Definitely not everyday. And definitely not to make myself "better" than anyone else. It really depends on my mood.

I don’t agree with the arguments that "by creating this stylish and modern Muslim look, we can influence more Muslim women to wear a hijab." SERIOUSLY?! Why do we need to "influence" them to wear hijab through fashion? We’re missing the true meaning of hijab here, people!!! We’re doing this to please Allah SWT, not to please other human being. It’s revealed in the Qur’an that we need to lower our gaze. It’s definitely not because that today’s trend is wearing a hijab. Definitely not.

The good thing about the "rising" Muslim fashion is that I can find rectangular scarves easily now!!!! Last year when I was in Jakarta, I had to pay 100,000 rupiahs for a scarf (in Saudi Arabia, you can get it for at most 60,000 rupiahs). I was quite shocked! Ok, yes, everyone wore square scarves and no one was interested in rectangular scarves! Who would buy them?! Hence, the expensive price. But now I reckon the rectangular scarves can be found everywhere (due to the latest trend) and they’re probably cheaper. Awesomeness!

P.S. Do criticize me if I’m not consistent with my views here. I need a slap.

I still don’t get it WHY oh WHY I need to put my race info (I don’t even know what my race is) and the details of my family members (my parents’ name, job, etc) for a job application?!?! Yup, a job application.

How does that relate to the job, seriously? Would they pick somebody based on the race? Obviously not, but who knows (why in the world they asked anyway!!!!). Would they pick me if let say… one my family members are so so so rich or so so so poor? Obviously, that doesn’t make sense. BUT WHY!!!!!

Grrr.

… is the feeling of not good enough. Not good enough for friends and family, not good enough for the jobs that I want, not good enough for everything. I’m just not good enough!

I don’t know how to fix this damaging mindset!!! Argh.

Currently reading Brene Brown‘s book and hopefully I can trace the problems…

I was so happy when I found this parenting blog. Many parenting-related websites that I found did not suit me, but this one was something different. Sadly to say, there aren’t that many posts you can find there, but I greatly enjoy reading all of them! Cynthia, the blog owner, really knows how to tell stories and write them! Anyway…

One thing I like about her approach on how to parent is how she handled things without starting confrontations with her daughter Maia. Many parents set the I-am-right-and-you-have-to-obey-me and I-am-right-and-you-shouldn’t-ask-why-or-argue-about-it kind of rules. That’s probably the fastest way to handle it and get things done real quick. But I would agree more on her approach, by letting the kids violate the rule and learn the lesson by themselves.

When Maia insisted on not taking a bath and not sleeping early, Cynthia would let her do it. Eventually, she found out after few days that although she’s not smelly, she scratched her head all the time and felt so itchy. That’s when she understood that she had to take a shower everyday and no questions being asked anymore. The same thing with sleeping early, Cynthia told Maia that she would be responsible for it if she missed school (i.e. she would need to go to the head of school herself and Cynthia would not write an excuse letter for her). As expected, Maia missed her school. The next time Cynthia told her to go to bed, she went to bed straight away. No plea. No discussion. Nothing.

This is not an easy approach, I agree. It requires a lot of patient (and patient has never been in my department — I guess a bugis blood is to be blamed haha). When you disagree with your children, you would argue why they had to do it and they would argue you back. So it’s an endless journey, one of them — either the parents or the kids — need to give up. Eventually, you need to let the kids know why they need to obey your rules, instead of saying "Obey me, stop asking why!" or screaming or name-calling or punishing them.

I believe there is a reason in everything. But not every reason is "reasonable" enough to the kids. That’s why they tend to break the rules. But when they understand the consequences of not doing them, they tend to try to obey the rules. I have to agree with Cynthia, parents need to handle everything creatively if they want to avoid the shouting, screaming, and forcing. They need to present as many reasons as they can — creatively — to ensure the kids understand and satisfy with it.

Cynthia does have 5 rules set that were unbreakable. But these rules were strictly applied not only to her daughter, but the rest of the members in the house. That means, she and her husband had to conform to these rules as well. Parents are their role models, so when exceptions are made to the kid alone, they tend to break the rules. Simple things like, limiting the kids to watching TV maximum 2 hours a day — that needs to be obeyed by the parents too! If they want the kids to do what they expect, parents need to change their lifestyle and behavior.

But can everything be done using this approach? I’m actually not sure. Definitely, as a parent, there are certain things that you want your kids to do. Take for example: praying. What kind of argument would you give to the kids if they refuse to pray? Tell them that God would be angry? Tell them about the consequences in the hereafter? It definitely won’t work, simply because they can’t see the danger of not doing it now. Well, for me, the best solution would be to instill this ritual early on. Praying together rather than individually and setting it as an unbreakable rule for the whole family would work, I think. And of course, providing a good base on religious knowledge to the kids is important!That’s what I have in mind. That’s what I’ve observed or experienced. Clearly, I still have a lot of things to learn! 🙂

A chat with my lovely little brother…

Bro: When are you going back to Jakarta? I’ll be there in 4 days until after Eid.

me: I don’t know!!! But I think I’ll go straight to KL

Bro: Why?! Ira is going to be in Jakarta next month.

me: Really???

Bro: Wallahi

me: Well, if she’s in Jakarta, then I need to go there then. Let’s see when I’ll graduate

Bro: what if you don’t graduate? hahahhaa…

me: hey!!!! at least pray for me! ckckck

Bro: oh so it’s still mishwar. Hopefully you’ll graduate 😉

me: So, do you miss me? 😉

Bro: Hmmm… I don’t think so… hahahaha….

me: hahahahha. I know you do!!!!

He never wanted to admit it. LOL.