Project 365

I have absolutely NO IDEA what to do!!! If I could do istikharah right about NOW, I’d do it. But I can’t! 🙁 Ya Allah… if I missed it, I’d regret it all my life. But if I just go… I haven’t even finished this thesis! How can I go?! My family would definitely disagree with me. But I don’t want to disappoint my dear friend! Oh ya Allah… I really need Your guidance now. I only have few weeks left. What can I do???

* I know that Allah SWT has a good reason why He made women to have a menstrual period. But during this time, the only thing I want to do is sholat…! I can’t do it… :-S and I don’t know what to do besides making a du’a…

Today marks my last day of fasting. I did my ifthar at the mosque so that I could bade farewell to my "sisters". These are my Dutch, Moroccan, and Somali sisters that I see every day during ifthar and/or taraweeh prayers. It’s been a great pleasure to know them and I’m very sad that this would be my last Ramadan spent in the Netherlands. I wish I met them years ago.

Without a doubt, this year’s Ramadan has been a great spiritual journey. Thank you, Allah! I can’t ask for a better one. I may not be able to worship You and do things for You in the level that You expects me to, but I hope You forgive me for all the shortcomings and accept my fasting and good deeds. I also hope that I can keep on carrying the improvements with me, even though Ramadan has ended. I hope that I can continuously improve and be a better person in the coming future for the sake of You. And I hope I can experience Ramadan again next year, possibly in a different country :). Amin ya Rabbal alamin.

Ah, good thing I still have to fast for a week to make up for my missed days + 6 days for the month of Syawwal. Alhamdulillah.

Eid mubarak everyone! I know that some of you in Indonesia will celebrate Eid on Tuesday and the majority will celebrate on Wednesday. But rather than focusing on the difference we have regarding moon sighting, let’s just reflect on what we’ve done and have not done for the past one month. Have we really done enough?!  What are the things we want to improve? What are the things we want to keep on doing? How can we make sure we keep on doing the things we’ve been doing for the past one month? How can we make sure that we don’t end up becoming a "seasonal Muslim"?

I’d like to conclude with these two quotes:

Out of all the symbols that Muslims could have chosen to symbolize the unity of Islam, it is indeed ironic that they chose the crescent, which for many signifies the greatest manifestation of division amongst Muslims

— Yasir Qadhi on Understanding the Controversies Re: Moonsighting

Let’s focus on MoonSighting instead of MoonFighting. Follow your community, stick to local jama’a. Unity > Fiqh

— @MuslimMatters

Sometimes I just want to stop arguing, give up, let them formulate my life, and accept that person for the sake of their happiness.

And sometimes I don’t want to go back. I just want to stay here so that I can escape from all those pressure and arguments.

Ya Allah, I need Your help.

Rabbanaa wa laa tuhammilnaa maa laa taaqata lanaa bih
Our Lord, and burden us not with that which we have no ability to bear. Amin.

For the first time of my life, after 3 years, I’m able to perform taraweeh prayer at the mosque. I can’t tell you how delighted I am. I’ve been going there for few days now. I never knew that the taraweeh prayer was performed quite early (around 10.45pm) at the mosque until a friend told me. That’s why I decided to join the prayers there.

I always thought that moving to this house was a mistake due to its well-known "dangerous" area. But now I think it’s a good decision! My house is located very near to the mosque and this is also the reason why I’m brave enough to go there at night. Alhamdulillah.

My homesickness decreases dramatically because of this 🙂 Thank you Allah.

I’m going to be very frank here. I used to have problems with prayer, sholat, or shalah. It did not give me peace and serenity that it always promised. I could not concentrate. I could not reach the state of khushu’. My mind was always somewhere else, no matter how much I wanted to concentrate. It was more like a “mechanical” ritual, as most of the things were said or recited so frequently that I often forgot what I recited. I did feel like a robot: reciting things without even realizing what came out of my mouth. There was a lack of connection between Allah SWT and I in the sholat.

Yes, my prayers had not been a comfort to my eyes. It’s sad, isn’t it? Something was definitely missing. But I could not figure out why or what was missing! At one point, I blamed myself — maybe I was not devoted enough. Maybe I had to read more Islamic books so that I could improve my sholat. Maybe I had to work hard for it. Or maybe,… maybe, time would tell. Maybe one day it would change like magic.

A few years ago I encountered this video on Why and How to Learn Arabic by Nouman Ali Khan. The whole talk was a slap to my face. I never realized the importance of learning Arabic (except to read the Qur’an) until I watched the talk. Learning Arabic is indeed very important, not to converse, not to order shawerma in Mekkah, but to understand the Qur’an. He gave a lot of reasons why it’s such an important language. I won’t write them here (because you need to watch it), but the video was enough to convince me that I had to start learning Arabic for the sake of understanding Allah’s words — so that I could pay attention to the ayats that were being recited in the sholat.

In the beginning, I did. I tried to learn Arabic language by myself through online resources. I could confidently say that I was not a beginner in Arabic language. I could still understand bits and pieces (i.e. some words) in the Qur’an. So it was not hard for me to learn it, alhamdulillah. I was certain that I could do this by myself. After all, Allah SWT promised us that He would make it easy for us to learn Arabic if we do it for the sake of remembrance to Him :).

Unfortunately, other commitments kept me busy and I started to abandon it completely. I stopped studying Arabic language. Years passed by and I came across a whole complete tafseer of Juz Amma and Tabarak by Nouman Ali Khan and Shaykh Abdul Nasir Jangda. I listened to the tafseer of Surah Al-Ikhlas and I was amazed by its depth! For the first time of my life, I was able to appreciate the Qur’an not only by its meaning and lessons, but also its linguistic aspect. Every time I recited Surah Al-Ikhlas in my prayer, I felt like Allah SWT told me to say HuwaAllahu ahad. He is Allah, One. It felt like He’s talking to me. Understanding and contemplating His words made so much difference. Subhanallah.

After that amazing experience, I tried to read the translation of the Qur’an, especially the short surahs that I usually recited in my sholat. I had been trying to listen to the tafseer of other surahs but I had not had the time for it yet (I think this is an excuse hahaha). Because I really had to sit down and listen carefully to the recording. I tried downloading it and putting it in my iPod so that I could listen to it on my way to campus, but I could not remember it somehow. So for now, I only read the translations of some surahs so that at least I could understand what I recited in my sholat.

Besides reading the translation, I also listened to this khutbah about Surah Al-Fatiha (again, by Nouman Ali Khan). The khutbah is more about the lessons and reminders from the surah, rather than the in-depth tafseer itself. Surah Al-Fatiha is an important surah as we’re told to recite it every single time we stand in prayers. Since it’s recited so frequently, it’s easy for us to lose our concentration when we recite this surah. The next thing we know, it’s already amin. But upon listening to the khutbah, my sholat greatly improved. Alhamdulillah.

I also discovered not long time ago that Allah SWT is actually conversing with us every time we recite Surah Al-Fatiha. For example, when we say alhamdulillahi rabbil alamin (All praise and thanks are due to Allah, the Lord of the Worlds), Allah SWT responds with “my servant has praised Me”, and so on (read the full hadith).  I did not know that! It’s amazing, isn’t it?! This makes Surah Al-Fatiha the core and primary experience of the prayer. When I read this hadith, I vowed to never miss that chance of speaking with Allah SWT again. I had to make my sholat right this time.

The next video I encountered was The Meaning of the Tashahhud by Shaykh Abdul Nasir Jangda. Tashahhud is the sitting portion of the sholat. Although I understood most parts of the tashahhud, I failed to pay attention to its meaning whenever I said it. Again, I did it mechanically: saying things without realizing what I said. Once I watched the video and understood word by word and the stories behind some words, I could pay attention! It just felt so different and amazing. No words could describe it. After that, I tried to learn and memorize other phrases recited/said in sholat.

By the way, Bayyinah Institute, which was founded by Nouman Ali Khan, offered a weekend seminar called Meaningful Prayer which explains both the linguistic meanings behind each word in the prayer and the literary beauty in them. If I were in the States, I would have definitely taken part in this seminar!! I wish I could find such seminar in my country. Anyway…

Alhamdulillah, by doing my own self-study, my sholat nowadays becomes an amazing experience that I greatly enjoy. I do it not only because Allah SWT told me to, but it’s also because I love it and I find peace and serenity every time I do it. I find that the later reason is much stronger than the former. I find that sholat is a blessing that keeps me connected to Allah SWT and constantly asking for His guidance. I would never say that my sholat is near perfect — in fact, it’s imperfect, but I really hope that… insya Allah… my effort to improve my sholat is counted and my sholat (and yours) will be accepted by Him. Amin.

If you want to improve your daily prayers like I do, it’s never too late to do it. Here are some of the videos/audios that I find very useful:

• Literary Gems of Prayer by Shaykh Abdul Nasir Jangda — watching this video made me feel SOOOOOO regret that I had been doing sholat without understanding anything I recited.
• The Meaning of the Tashahhud by Shaykh Abdul Nasir Jangda — the beauty and the meaning of each words of the Tashahhud are explained in great detail
• Lessons & Reminders from Surah Al Fatiha by Nouman Ali Khan — this one helps you to understand the surah in detail
• Tafseer of surahs in Juz Amma and Juz Tabarak by Nouman Ali Khan & Shaykh Abdul Nasir Jangda — in-depth tafseer by Bayyinah Institute. You can download the audios as mp3 or as a podcast (for iTunes).
• The Salah Series from SuhaibWebb.com — everything you want to know about sholat is explained here, including the meaning of phrases recited in sholat
• Khusu’ in Sholat by Shaykh Abdul Nasir Jangda — this lecture covers the importance and virtues of khushu’ as well as steps to implement it (which are covered in the links or videos above)
• Extra: Why and How to Learn Arabic for Comprehension of the Qur’an by Nouman Ali Khan — amazing talk which successfully made me regret all my life that I never took Arabic language seriously.

UPDATE: some more links

• PrayAnywhere — all the supplications in the sholat are explained here! I love them!
• RamadanPrep — there’s a talk called Your Salah 2.0 by Shaykh Abdul Nasir Jangda explaining about the meaning of takbir, sujud, and one of the concluding supplications.

(Download MP3)

Muslims nowadays are easily threatened and enraged when others try to disgrace Islam. Crazy things have happened, from burning stuffs, causing chaos and riots, death threats, to yet another bombs. These are the sort of reactions that we have in response to (among other things) the burning of the Qur’an and/or the Danish cartoon. But is that how we suppose to react?

It is important to mention that these tactics of insulting our Prophet SAW and the Qur’an are not new. These are the continuation of the Quraishi people. The Prophet SAW was insulted and accused of being crazy and insane by them. They did all sorts of psychological attacks to him. Don’t you think it’s familiar? These acts have been mentioned over and over again in the Qur’an. Did the Prophet SAW or any of his followers at that time start to burn things when they insulted him? No. Not really.

The Qur’an has given the Prophet SAW guidance on how to response to these sorts of stupid and ignorant accusations. So be patient with gracious patience [70:5]. That’s exactly how we should response! We should be patient and calm and response them intellectually. We shouldn’t response it the way they want us to response. We shouldn’t pull ourselves into their trap. This is one of their tactics to portray Muslims as barbaric, mindless, and crazy people. They have done every kind of insults that they could ever imagine. Lo and behold, it will keep on coming. We should get used to it by now.

Don’t worry too much about the Qur’an being burnt by these ignorant people. What they (want to) burn is just an ink and paper. The Qur’an is distinct verses [preserved] within the chests of those who have been given knowledge. And none reject Our verses except the wrongdoers [29:49]. If they want to burn the real Qur’an, they have to burn our chests first. Don’t worry about them insulting Allah’s Book, because … the word of Allah is exalted to the heights [9:40]. The world of Allah is supreme and nothing can bring it down. Allah SWT will take care of them later in the Day of Judgment. What we should do right now is to response intellectually and to keep on spreading and representing Islam in a way that the Prophet SAW used to do. We can’t keep on saying “Islam is religion of peace” when our action does not even resemble that of peace! Prove it. Be civil. This is what Allah SWT tells us to do.

The only people who can violate, not do justice to, and be criminals against the Qur’an — more than anyone else — is ironically the Muslims themselves. The Qur’an that is supposedly in the chest of every Muslims has gone from their chests. It has been recited and read over and over again, yet few of us understand what it really means. It has been put and decorated with frames in every house of all Muslims merely as a “protection” or a decoration. We put a big beautiful calligraphy of Surah Al-Asr, which warns us about the limited time we have, yet next to it is a big screen TV in which we use it 8 hours a day. The Qur’an that is supposedly used to remember Allah SWT and to remind us for our actions on this earth is just a piece of decoration that we do not even care about.

Is this how we suppose to treat the Qur’an? Is this how we think about the Qur’an? Is the Qur’an just a piece of decoration that does not have any meanings to us? What about the remembrance to Allah SWT? What about the reminders and the beautiful messages that once moved us? Are they all gone now?

When the Qur’an has been reduced from remembrance to a piece of decoration, this proves to be not only a total disrespect to the Qur’an, but this is also a serious problem for all Muslims — far more serious than those people who tried to burn the copies of the Qur’an. Before we can blame or insult others for disgracing our Book, we first have to look at ourselves. Have we done justice to our very own Qur’an?

Source: A Believer’s Response to the Qur’an Burning Event by Nouman Ali Khan

Just like any Muslims around the world, Ramadan is an important month for me. Not only does the month of Ramadan mark the time in which the Qur’an was first revealed, but it was also the month when I decided, for the first time ever, to don a headscarf or a hijab. It was a stepping stone that changed my life forever. It was an oath I made to Allah SWT and for the next 11 years, it has given me an amazing journey that I never regretted.

I gave a detailed account on my other blog on how and why I finally decided to wear a hijab. To put it simply, a hijab for me is an act of obedient to Allah SWT. That is the only primary reason why I wear it until this very day. All other reasons, e.g. protection and identity, are secondary.

But I cannot deny the fact that the hijab is my identity. It defines me about who I am. A Muslim. There is no god but Allah SWT and Muhammad SAW is the Messenger of God. This is the very identity that has led to questions, judgments, abandons, sympathies, curiosities, or even stares. But this is also the identity that has changed perceptions and broken stereotypes. This is the identity that forced me to defend what I believe in, more than my nationality. More than anything else.

Hijab is also about modesty. Or Haya in Arabic. It is about being modest outwardly and inwardly. It is not only about the covering of the hair or your whole body. It is about how you act and present yourself. This is by far the hardest thing to achieve. I do not think I am modest inside out. There are many aspects I have to sort out. There are many things I have to fix. I do not even think that I can represent any respected hijabi sisters out there. I am far below that.

Indeed, I am not a perfect Muslim. I am not and never claimed to be religious. I do not and will never preach you why you do not pray. Or why you do not fast. Because there are still flaws inside me that I need to fix. Before I can correct somebody else, I have to make sure that I am free of those flaws. I have to be judgmental and critical about myself. That is what hijab has taught me all this time.

Hijab is my choice. It is my freedom. No one and nothing in this world can ever change that. Not even Islamophobia. Taking away my freedom to wear a hijab is a clear and definite sign of oppression. Period.

O you who have believed, decreed upon you is fasting as it was decreed upon those before you that you may become righteous

— Al-Qur’an 2:183

Fasting during summer in this part of the world is such a big challenge. Fajr is at 3.22 AM and Maghrib is at 9.30 PM. There is only a six hour difference between ifthar (breaking the fast) and sahur. My stomach cannot eat heavy meals twice in those hours. It’s such a short time span. So what I would usually do is to eat something light for ifthar, eat a heavy meal in the middle of the night (around 12 AM), and then eat a bread or two for sahur.

Another challenge for this year’s Ramadhan is to eat at 12 AM, because that means, I have to heat up the food in the kitchen which can disturb my housemates who are probably already sleeping. This wasn’t a problem last year because I knew my housemate always slept late. But my housemate this time isn’t that easy going when it comes to sleeping (not complaining, just saying… coz some people need quite a bit of time to fall a sleep). So maybe I’d eat a heavy meal for ifthar straight away… I don’t know… this doesn’t sound so good though. But we’ll see!

Although I still want to recite the Qur’an from start to finish during the Ramadhan, my focus for this year’s Ramadhan is more about learning the Qur’an in depth (i.e. the tafseer). This is yet another big challenge for me because I don’t know when I’ll have time for that!!! LOL. But insya Allah, when there’s a will, there’s a way. I wish I can write the things I learn here too so that you can benefit from it as well. But I really can’t promise! Perhaps I’d do that once I become a desperate job-seeker, then I’d have time *chuckles*.

In the mean time, I posted the tafseer of Surah Al-Ikhlas. It was typed months ago, so all I need to do is to change bits and pieces and make it easier for others to understand. There will be 5 parts in total, which will be published twice a week in this blog. This is perhaps one of my favorite talks by Brother Nouman Ali Khan. Not only did he talk about the meaning behind this Surah, but he also explained it in a grammatical sense. It makes me realize that the greatness of the Qur’an does not only lie in the miracles and the messages or stories behind it, but also the words that were chosen, the order of the words in a sentence, and the connection between one surah with the one before or after it.  Subhanallah. It feels absolutely amazing to know and understand the meaning of this surah word by word. It makes me feel so blessed to be born a Muslim. No other words can be described. I just hope the tafseer would be beneficial to you!

May Allah SWT forgive us for all of our sins, make it easy for us to perform this year’s Ramadhan and keep on encouraging and reminding us to do good deeds for Him only. Amin ya rabbal alamin.

I went out of my house today to do grocery shopping. I was trying to unlock my bicycle in front of my house, when a middle-aged woman wearing a hijab walked to my direction. So I said, “Assalamu’alaikum.” She answered back, “Waalaikum salam”. She then asked me, in Dutch, “Do you live here?” She seemed surprised haha. And she started to tell me which house number she lived and that I could just ring her house door anytime I wanted.

I’ve lived in this neighborhood for almost a year, but I don’t know ANYONE here except my housemates. I don’t even know the neighbors next to us. Whenever we bump to each other, we just say “hi” and that’s about it. This is a “Western” thing. Individualism.

So I was quite delighted when she said that. I asked her where she came from (in my broken Dutch) and it turned out she’s from Morocco. She could speak Arabic too. The  next thing I knew was that she invited me to come over for ifthar anytime I want! At that moment I just felt like wanting to cry! My tears were on the edge of my eyes hahaha. I felt so “terharu”… I felt so touched, you know. I don’t know why. Maybe because I just miss the “Arabic” ifthar atmosphere. Usually some Moroccans refuse to be called Arabs, but I don’t care. Their culture is almost the same for me. LOL. I don’t mind having couscous hahaha.

Will I go to her house? I don’t know. I’m quite undecided. I know that she was not “basa-basi”. But I still have my “urat malu” hahaha. I’m still shy, you know. LOL. ME? SHY?! Yeahhhhh I’m a shy girl. HAHHAHA. I know what you’re thinking. Don’t raise your eyebrows! 😛

So, should I go or not? 😛

I don’t know if this is an Asian thing or an Indonesian thing. But somehow, they get offended when they are not invited, be it a gathering, dinner party, wedding party, or anything, really! Some of them may not be offended, but they would keep on wondering why they’re not invited. Sometimes, they’d ask the reason directly to the host!

I have no problem at all if I’m not invited, especially if I’m not that close to the host — even if we’re in the same circle of friends. People have preferences and perhaps they want to limit the number of attendees… you know, there are many reasons to that! I don’t give a damn on these things.

This attitude of mine usually brings me to "trouble". Sometimes when I told a friend that I would be attending such and such gathering, I would be told later on that she was not invited. There was a sudden silent after that conversation :|. I suddenly felt so guilty for mentioning it in the first place because somehow I felt like she’s offended. This happens so frequently. I just never realize it and I keep on forgetting to be extra careful!

Some people would also ask me to invite this friend or that friend because otherwise they’d feel "gak enak" or awkward if he/she happens to know that he/she is not invited. I don’t accept that reason to be legitimate. I know that some people feel more comfortable to be around with some groups of people, so I would accept to invite extra people for that purpose. I don’t mind it at all. But if the reason is "gak enak" then, that’s totally your problem! Not my problem!!! Sometimes I wonder, helloooo… who’s the host here?! I have the right to invite who’s coming to the party and I really find it impolite for them to "force" me to invite that person for the reason that’s not related to mine or the liveliness of the party.