Project 365

Sometimes I wish you would understand how I view and stir my life… then everything would be easy.

But then, if everything was easy, it wouldn’t be called life, would it?

Yes, I used to write a diary when I was in High School. It was started at the end of May 2002, when I entered the last year of my High School. I have long kept my diary in my bookcase in Jeddah and it was a loooooong time ago that I read it. So I decided to take it with me to Holland hoping that in my spare time I could perhaps read it for fun :D.

And I actually did! It was really weird reading back my own diary, to be honest. It was embarassing in some ways (waaaaay too childish LOL). I kinda skipped some parts of the stories, refusing to remember them. The diary is no more than my day-to-day life: the pleasure and hardship living at a boarding school, my relationship with other friends, and teenage love slash crush. It was quite memorable! I couldn’t believe that I didn’t remember a lot of things that were written there!

For example, I used to have a lot of nicknames. I did remember most of them, like MuLong (Muka Lonjong or oval face), onta (camel — and I assume you know where that one came from!), Mellie (inspired by Melly Goeslaw; I actually forgot why my friends related me to this famous singer), and Jomel (I forgot why I was called with this name, but I hated it hahaha). But I didn’t remember at all that I was called ‘Truly Asia’ before, just because I had a stupid crush on someone who lived in KL! Hahaha. I wonder where he is now actually! LOL. (Hello, You! Haha)

The diary also reminds me with a lot of things: my cat & dog and brother & sister relationship with (apparently) one of my closest friends, Anas; my habit of sleeping in the class (sorry, Pak Uya!); my first time receiving an appreciation in a form of a chocolate from my favorite teacher :); my habit of sneaking into my room to eat chocolate every evening alone :P; and the obstacles after graduating from school. Being done with school and not living in a dorm anymore was probably the hardest one for me. I was used to the non-stop routines and activities from 8am to 9pm, so I couldn’t stand doing nothing at home, waiting for the university to start. I was also used to having my friends around, 24/7. They were within easy reach when I needed somebody to talk with. But suddenly, everyone went their separate ways and I found myself alone in my room. Farewell was indeed the hardest thing, especially when we spent time together for 3 years! We knew each other so well, even in the worst possible state! We were like a little family, even until today.

The most boring part of the diary is about the hurdle of breaking up (talk about teenage love, huh?!). I just realized that it took him almost 6 months to finally let me go. It’s boring because it’s too repetitive. And it caused my relationship with one of my closest friends to worsen. She remains one of my good friends these days and whenever we talk about it, we laugh and laugh, thinking how stupid we were back in the old days! 🙂

I actually enjoyed flipping through the pages of my diary without reading them. I was surprised that I was quite creative back then! Every pages were made with different styles, colors, and design. I was so devoted to it and I managed to write the diary until I reached the last paper, which was more than a year! That was hard and that was the only diary I had! 😀 (because afterwards, I turned to blogging).

I watched Eat Pray Love with Jessie today at the cinema. On the way back home, passing through the empty roads (mind you, it was past midnight), I did a lot of thinking and I realized that, hey, I was in the similar situation too: confused about what I wanted to do with my life! It’s a life dilemma, the first time such thing ever happens to me!

I used to know what I wanted to do with my life. Hell yeah, I was good at it! Since high school, I had my own life map drawn showing me which path I should take. When others were still confused about which university they wanted to go to or which major they wanted to choose, I already had everything set. It seemed so easy and I did it without the help of my parents, who practically lived miles away from me. I planned everything by myself. I knew that by the time I finished high school, I would go to Australia to study. Then afterwards, I would do my Master degree somewhere in Europe. I would then live somewhere in the Middle East to work and encourage more women to participate in the workforce.

I also used to dream about having a successful IT career. I would live abroad, have a great life as a single career woman, and at the same time, support my family; be it helping my dad to finance the education of my siblings or financially helping my mom to build a house she ever dreamed of. Then I would start to slow down, fall in love, have kids, and so on. It was an ordinary dream, a traditional and “selfish” one, I would call. Nothing fancy. It was a dream most girls in this world dying to have.

Those things kept me going up the ladder. Plus, I loved what I did. That’s what mattered. I loved what I studied. I was so passionate about the computer world that I would swear myself I would be doing it for the rest of my life. I remember when I first came to Eindhoven, a friend told me that he never met any girl who was so excited about being devoted to this field! Most of his girl friends, he said, ended up doing something totally different than IT, or throwing themselves in that field due to lack of choices. Well, it never occurred to me that I became one of those people he mentioned a year later! I didn’t know what had happened!

During my lifetime, I have learnt. I have been inspired and encouraged. I have been moved. But it all came to one thing: I always have wanted something different. I realized that the field of IT was not for me. Was I bored? Perhaps. I always get bored, even with my love life, which always makes me question, will I ever find a guy that I will never get bored of? I always demand for changes. That’s why you’ve seen me hopping from one country to the other. I want to see different things. That’s why you’ve heard me talking about being in the ocean. I don’t want to be in the same situation all the time. I want to feel energized every time. And that’s through experiencing different things.

Truth to be told, I can’t help thinking that I would be spending my entire life in an office, behind a computer! Even thinking about it already makes me crazy. Of course, I could be a manager or a head of something, like people ‘suggested’ me, but in general, working in the office hasn’t been a favorite to me. It’s too monotone. Imagine, every single day you wake up and do the same thing. It’s not exciting! It’s not fulfilling. You won’t feel satisfied. Why do you think people hate Monday?

So now, yes, officially, I have lost my passion. I don’t know my destination and goal are anymore. They disappeared without me realizing it. I am now in the intersection of a big road, confused of which direction I should take. Street signs are everywhere but they aren’t meant to help me with choices. They really confuse me!

Some people know that I’ve been really interested in the development world, especially education, youth, and community development. I’ve been looking into that field a lot. Is the development world really for me? Of course, at some point in our life, we want to help others and make a huge impact. But let’s just forget about it for a moment, because for me, if I want to help others, there are many members of my own family (relatives) who financially need help. And I think I have to prioritize them over anyone else in this world.

But then why is the development world seem so exciting for me? I feel like, by going deep into this field, I can interact with other people more often. The real people. The people who can inspire me. The people who may teach me more about trust, love, or anything. The people who can straighten my faith. The ‘ordinary’ people who know much better about what life is all about than those people who can’t seem to have enough of things. That’s what I love about it. Those people live their life based on love, the support of their family, lessons they learnt in the past, and experiences; not based on cool gadgets, money, BlackBerry, or fancy dress. I can’t find satisfaction in those. Perhaps, yes, temporarily, but not in a long term. If I work in an office, I can only imagine the usual boring everyday routine and the fact that there would be less human-to-human deep connection. People (including me!) are getting so further away from each other, thanks to the computer, Internet, and social networks. In addition to that, when you deal with people, you will be facing different cases or stories at some point. Surprises await you. Not to mention when you travel to different places, culture influences the creation of different individuals and that’s what makes it so bloody interesting!

I can’t say confidently that I have finally found my passion right now. I feel like I want to devote myself in the field of development. But everything is still vague and blur. Everything that I see is pictured in my selfish imagination. I haven’t really dive into it yet, nor am I experienced in it. That’s what makes me stuck. That’s what makes me afraid to go on and to take the risk. Even worst (and I say it again), I don’t know how to start. I haven’t met people who are experienced in this yet. I have no clear picture. I’ve been wanting to go to Jordan or even Palestine to do some voluntary works after I graduate but everything is still an immature plan. Everything that I have in mind is still in the phase of ‘let us see what happens after I graduate’. I don’t want to make myself completely into this yet, because I know I have some priorities. Unfinished business needs to be completed first.

It does seem like I don’t appreciate what I have right now. Don’t get me wrong, I do. I am grateful each day for everything that God has given me. But if God allows me to take a different path, why can’t I choose that path? If that path makes me more satisfied and fulfilled, why can’t I take that direction then? 🙂 I have a full control of my life. It’s matter of choice: whether I will spend the rest of my life dreading of going to the office OR waking up each day, full of love, excited about the surprises that life would bring for me. Of course I would rather choose the second one. Because I believe that “When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy” (Rumi).

Bismillah.

It’s funny that I used to refuse to mingle with the Indonesians when I was in Brisbane. I knew some of them, but I never really got close to them somehow. In the beginning, my purpose was clear enough. I wanted to improve my English (and I can tell you my English was just AWFUL). So I had to spend more time with the native speakers, or at least with the people from other nations.

The other reason was to do with their lifestyle. I felt like we had different lifestyles and purposes in life. We had different ways of thinking. They had their own group of friends and were not that open with getting to know new people. They barely had non-Indonesian friends. Seriously, why would anyone go abroad if they still had the "same type" of people?! That’s what I thought, at least.

It wasn’t until the last year of my university that I got to know more Indonesians. But we weren’t that close actually. My weekends were still spent with my non-Indonesian friends. I had my own comfort zone and I was happy with that :).

Ironically, in the Netherlands, I spend most of my time with the Indonesians! I still have friends from different parts of the world, but I occasionally hang out with them — once a month, at most. My choice had to do with yet another reason of lifestyle. I am kinda sick of going to a bar, which is a weekly activity they do to catch up. Although the bar is located in campus, I no longer feel comfortable being there at all. I used to be okay with that. Maybe because I always went with my housemate Jenn (who kinda protected me) whenever we went to these kinds of places (because at that time, I was quite active in a student organization, so it was ‘impossible’ for me not to attend the events which were mostly held in the bars).  Or maybe because I was just not in the mood of going there anymore. But whatever the reason was, I try to avoid going there as much as possible. I would prefer a nice dinner over anything else. And they know it.

I have to admit that in the beginning, it’s weird to mingle with the Indonesians again :D. I had a few bits of cultural shock hehhee. Being a jilbaber*, people expected me to behave in certain ways, especially to the opposite sex. So I kinda have to remind and ‘limit’ myself so as to prevent uneasy feelings. Back to the basic, yeah?!

It’s also weird that up until now, I feel more comfortable being with my non-Indonesian friends, despite our ‘closeness’ and frequency of meet ups. (Okay, I am close to Jessie, but I don’t see her as an Indonesian hahaha. I was close to Arya too and he was an exception). I don’t know why. I always feel like there are some kind of barriers between me and the Indonesians, that prevent us to be close friends. We never get into serious talks. Our conversation is always on the surface. I don’t feel like I’m free to say whatever I want. It just doesn’t flow smoothly. And that’s why I used to complain about being so lonely in my first year of university. I got many friends and I met them often, but ironically I felt lonely. There was a missing connection between us and I couldn’t quite figure it out what it was.

I wonder if I’d always feel this way? Or is it just part of ‘getting used’ to everything? Or maybe because I’m just being picky. Or maybe it’s just a matter of finding like-minded friends… I don’t know.

* a woman who wears headscarf 😀

Another heart is broken. Another victim arrives. While you hide inside your cage covered by all your lies, unable to be found.

Uncover your mask, that’s all I ask from you. How hard could that be?! But you choose to wear it. You sacrifice the friendship we had with the mask you cannot lose. Has it been a good protector to you? I wonder.

Just remember that, you can make the world beautiful just by refusing to lie about it*.

Choice is in your hand, my friend. I am not here to interfere.

And don’t ever blame me when I make my own choice. Time is up. Another ship is coming to pick me up. I have to give up on you. Completely.

* Iain Thomas, I Wrote This For You

Today’s reflection before going to bed…

If you want to go back to Indonesia for good, make sure you don’t find a job. You create a job.

— Mas Oki

This quote by a friend has stick to my mind ever since. And I’m still figuring it out how I’m going to do it. Too many things I want to do. Too little resources.

After such a tiring day, I found myself looking through the pictures taken when I was in Brisbane, Australia. It was almost three years ago that I finally said farewell. Now I miss it again… I’ll come back, one day! 🙂

This is the apartment I shared with Jenn and Mayu, where we lived for 2 years. It was in this living/dining room that we constantly played poker and Big Two until late at night, watched a Korean drama series for two days non-stop, and had dinner with friends. A lot of memories here!

And of course… having a barbie (which is an Aussie slang for BBQ) at our apartment 🙂

Will and Jenn were posing, just before we watched Miss Saigon. It was the first time for the three of us to watch a musical theater! I love this picture! 😀 Awesome time, great musical 🙂

Exploring museums and having an afternoon walk on the banks of Brisbane River in South Bank with my housemates and Mayu’s mom. It was such a great weather!

This was taken at my farewell dinner in South Bank. I remember I had this farewell a week BEFORE exams, when I didn’t even know whether I would be graduating or not! Hahaha! I had no choice! Good thing that a lot of people showed up. It was one of the best nights!

One of the foods that I really miss? Definitely Nando’s! Well, true, it’s not an Aussie food, but I can’t find it in the Netherlands, Saudi Arabia, or even in Indonesia!!! How sad! I have to go all the way to Singapore or Malaysia to eat this! Somebody needs to open a Nando’s branch in Jakarta!!! I’m sure we’ll love it! and… oh… they really should make an EXTRA EXTRA EXTRA HOT Peri-Peri sauce! Hehehe.

One of my favorite pictures. Singapore, Indonesia, India, Taiwan 🙂

Not to miss, the colorful trees (including the purple Jacaranda) around Brisbane during spring. It’s beauuuuuuutifuuuuul! 🙂

 

Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose.

— Kevin Arnold

Moving out is my least favorite activity. Ever. Be it across continents, countries, cities, or suburbs. There’s nothing fun about it. You pack your stuff in boxes or plastic bags. Move them to a destination. Unpack and reorganize them again. It’s just annoying! Not to mention the cleaning! 😮

I’ve only lived here for 2 years, but this is the third time that I move out to a new place. Yep, I do that every year and in those years I thought I would never move out again! Kapok!!! But, look at me — unable to settle. Seriously, I really hope this would be my last time to move. It’s tiring.

The good thing about moving out? I get to sort out the things I don’t need anymore. It amazes me how much JUNKS I keep in my room, under my bed. From lecture notes, files, unread letters, to financial statements. It also amazes me how much stuff I have! It keeps on accumulating  every single year! When I go back home every year, I bring those things I don’t need, but at the same time I come back with MORE things! LOL. What’s the point, right?

Hmm, at least, by sorting those things out, I’m able to gather a big box of papers and a bag of plastic materials, ready to be recycled! Great :).

Adjusting to a new place is also not easy. Especially when you live with many other people in one house. I haven’t met the three new housemates yet, so I don’t actually know what to expect. But most of them are working, so it’s good that I’m gonna have the whole house by myself during the day! Hehehe.

I really hope my new place will be homey. I hope I’ll like it. That’s the most important thing. A busy day is awaiting me!

So, yes, I decided to move out. I really like my current room. I get along with the housemates really well. The location is really in the center and is close to university. But when I found a cheaper place, I instantly decided to take it.

My new room is still empty. I still need to clean it up. It’s bigger than my old room though and it consists of two small rooms; one of them can be used for study room. Hopefully I can move my stuff by next week! 🙂

Caution: This is a completely rubbish blog post. Don’t waste your time.

I’m slowly turning into Saudi. In terms of lifestyle, of course. Sometimes I wonder… Gosh, what kind of life I’m living right now?

I sleep everyday at 3am or 5am. Then wake up at around 1pm (SAY WHAT?!). Yes, one o’clock in the afternoon. I don’t need to eat for breakfast anymore. It’s lunch time already. After lunch, I indulge myself on the internet, TV, movies, or books. It goes on like that until sleeping time. Yeay, welcome to my boring life!

I want to go somewhere. Do something different. But where? And most importantly, HOW? I’m just too bored of malls. Beach isn’t that exciting as it’s still quite hot. Desert is not my thing. Meeting up with friends? I’m not in the mood of doing that anymore.

Maybe it’s just me who’s too moody and too hard to be entertained right now. I know that really well; living here for more than 3 weeks can turn me into a mad woman. So, yeah, look at me now. A mad freaky woman. My mind is in Holland right now. Take me back there!!!

I’m tired of complaining. I’m tired of waiting. So what should I do? Get mad?