Project 365

Today marks my last day of fasting. I did my ifthar at the mosque so that I could bade farewell to my "sisters". These are my Dutch, Moroccan, and Somali sisters that I see every day during ifthar and/or taraweeh prayers. It’s been a great pleasure to know them and I’m very sad that this would be my last Ramadan spent in the Netherlands. I wish I met them years ago.

Without a doubt, this year’s Ramadan has been a great spiritual journey. Thank you, Allah! I can’t ask for a better one. I may not be able to worship You and do things for You in the level that You expects me to, but I hope You forgive me for all the shortcomings and accept my fasting and good deeds. I also hope that I can keep on carrying the improvements with me, even though Ramadan has ended. I hope that I can continuously improve and be a better person in the coming future for the sake of You. And I hope I can experience Ramadan again next year, possibly in a different country :). Amin ya Rabbal alamin.

Ah, good thing I still have to fast for a week to make up for my missed days + 6 days for the month of Syawwal. Alhamdulillah.

Eid mubarak everyone! I know that some of you in Indonesia will celebrate Eid on Tuesday and the majority will celebrate on Wednesday. But rather than focusing on the difference we have regarding moon sighting, let’s just reflect on what we’ve done and have not done for the past one month. Have we really done enough?!  What are the things we want to improve? What are the things we want to keep on doing? How can we make sure we keep on doing the things we’ve been doing for the past one month? How can we make sure that we don’t end up becoming a "seasonal Muslim"?

I’d like to conclude with these two quotes:

Out of all the symbols that Muslims could have chosen to symbolize the unity of Islam, it is indeed ironic that they chose the crescent, which for many signifies the greatest manifestation of division amongst Muslims

— Yasir Qadhi on Understanding the Controversies Re: Moonsighting

Let’s focus on MoonSighting instead of MoonFighting. Follow your community, stick to local jama’a. Unity > Fiqh

— @MuslimMatters

I want to sing like birds sing, not worrying
who hears, or what they think.

— Jalal ad-Din Rumi

The question is: how?

Sometimes I just want to stop arguing, give up, let them formulate my life, and accept that person for the sake of their happiness.

And sometimes I don’t want to go back. I just want to stay here so that I can escape from all those pressure and arguments.

Ya Allah, I need Your help.

Rabbanaa wa laa tuhammilnaa maa laa taaqata lanaa bih
Our Lord, and burden us not with that which we have no ability to bear. Amin.

I am so small I can barely be seen.
How can this great love be inside me?
Look at your eyes, they are small but they see enormous things.

— Jalal ad-Din Rumi

I used to complain about having no girlfriends here in Eindhoven. I’m sure I’ve written about this a lot in my blog. During my first one year, most of my friends were guys. I’m fine with having them as friends, of course. But they’re different than girls, especially in terms of “curhat”. Not a lot of guys are good listeners I have to say :P. I also love to have friends to sleep over at my place so we can talk all night long. We can’t do that with guys, can we? 🙂

I basically felt so lonely, especially when I was so used to having housemates and roommates for years! It was not until the second and third year that I had girlfriends. But there’s always a downside: none of my friends were Muslims or practicing Muslims. I felt extremely lonely during Ramadan because I would usually be the only girl out of all men sitting at the Mosque’s dining hall. I didn’t feel comfortable at all.

This year’s Ramadan is a bit different, though! I met a number of Dutch converts at the Mosque during the ifthar last week. I never met a convert before so it was a great opportunity for me to ask a lot of questions! (it’s so me, right?! LOL. Always curious about stuff). I met one of them again during the taraweeh prayer yesterday and one of the girls invited me to her house for ifthar! I would NEVER say no to that wonderful offer hahaha. A free ifthar and a chance to know them better — a once in a lifetime opportunity, right?! 😉

There were 2 other Dutch converts invited (so there were three converts in total). Most of them just converted to Islam for only 1-3 years and what’s amazing was that they all wore a hijab! I actually thought that they’ve at least been a Muslim for 5 years, because wearing a hijab (especially in the time of Islamophobia) was a big thing! But it turned out that they were “early” converts. What’s also interesting was that, although two of them were married, they came to Islam because they wanted to, not because of love or any other reasons.

I asked them how their family reacted upon knowing that their daughter was a Muslim. Only one of them had told the family and she said it was very hard for them. She hadn’t tell them about the hijab yet — she would do it one step at a time. Please note that Dutch parents are the most “easy going” parents in the world. As long as their children are happy, they’d accept their children’s decision. I have a number of friends whose husband converted to Islam due to marriage and their parents didn’t object both the marriage and conversion. So I was a bit surprised to know that the family of these girls would not accept their conversion to Islam. They told me that their parents were a practicing “hardcore” Christian and perhaps that’s one of the reasons why their parents found it unacceptable. Anyhow…

The host, Jacky, turned out to be a really EXCELLENT chef! She cooked a lot of foods. Not just foods, but DELICIOUS foods. The soup, biryani rice, raita (yum!!!!!), samousa, and some fruit deserts. My stomach were about to explode eating sooooooo much foods!

I had a lot of fun. It was no doubt the best ifthar I ever had in the Netherlands — ever since I arrived here 3 years ago. I start to wonder why all the good things always come during my last year of living here?! But anyhow, we’re planning to meet up again during Eid insya Allah! 🙂

Meeting a Muslim convert makes me feel so grateful and blessed that I’m a born Muslim. Often time we take this for granted, don’t you think? It’s definitely something that we should be grateful about. Having lived in a non-Muslim majority country for more than 7 years, the time has come for me to live in a Muslim-majority country again. Without a doubt, I’ve enjoyed living here or anywhere in the world. In terms of religion-wise, I’ve learnt and known Islam much better than if I’d in a Muslim country. But with Islamophobia sweeping across Europe, it’s time for me to go back to the country where I can practice my religion freely and where I can wear hijab without being the center of attention. It hurts to constantly hear Islam — my faith and my way of life — to be insulted and ridiculed again and again. Do insult my race or my nationality, but not my religion.

Thank you, ya Allah for always giving me reminders, giving me the best experience of my life, and answering my prayers. I cannot be any happier.

For the first time of my life, after 3 years, I’m able to perform taraweeh prayer at the mosque. I can’t tell you how delighted I am. I’ve been going there for few days now. I never knew that the taraweeh prayer was performed quite early (around 10.45pm) at the mosque until a friend told me. That’s why I decided to join the prayers there.

I always thought that moving to this house was a mistake due to its well-known "dangerous" area. But now I think it’s a good decision! My house is located very near to the mosque and this is also the reason why I’m brave enough to go there at night. Alhamdulillah.

My homesickness decreases dramatically because of this 🙂 Thank you Allah.

One day the sun admitted,
I am just a shadow.
I wish I could show you
the Infinite Incandescence
that has cast my brilliant image!
I wish I could show you,
when you are lonely or in darkness,
the Astonishing Light of your own Being!

— Hafez

I’m going to be very frank here. I used to have problems with prayer, sholat, or shalah. It did not give me peace and serenity that it always promised. I could not concentrate. I could not reach the state of khushu’. My mind was always somewhere else, no matter how much I wanted to concentrate. It was more like a “mechanical” ritual, as most of the things were said or recited so frequently that I often forgot what I recited. I did feel like a robot: reciting things without even realizing what came out of my mouth. There was a lack of connection between Allah SWT and I in the sholat.

Yes, my prayers had not been a comfort to my eyes. It’s sad, isn’t it? Something was definitely missing. But I could not figure out why or what was missing! At one point, I blamed myself — maybe I was not devoted enough. Maybe I had to read more Islamic books so that I could improve my sholat. Maybe I had to work hard for it. Or maybe,… maybe, time would tell. Maybe one day it would change like magic.

A few years ago I encountered this video on Why and How to Learn Arabic by Nouman Ali Khan. The whole talk was a slap to my face. I never realized the importance of learning Arabic (except to read the Qur’an) until I watched the talk. Learning Arabic is indeed very important, not to converse, not to order shawerma in Mekkah, but to understand the Qur’an. He gave a lot of reasons why it’s such an important language. I won’t write them here (because you need to watch it), but the video was enough to convince me that I had to start learning Arabic for the sake of understanding Allah’s words — so that I could pay attention to the ayats that were being recited in the sholat.

In the beginning, I did. I tried to learn Arabic language by myself through online resources. I could confidently say that I was not a beginner in Arabic language. I could still understand bits and pieces (i.e. some words) in the Qur’an. So it was not hard for me to learn it, alhamdulillah. I was certain that I could do this by myself. After all, Allah SWT promised us that He would make it easy for us to learn Arabic if we do it for the sake of remembrance to Him :).

Unfortunately, other commitments kept me busy and I started to abandon it completely. I stopped studying Arabic language. Years passed by and I came across a whole complete tafseer of Juz Amma and Tabarak by Nouman Ali Khan and Shaykh Abdul Nasir Jangda. I listened to the tafseer of Surah Al-Ikhlas and I was amazed by its depth! For the first time of my life, I was able to appreciate the Qur’an not only by its meaning and lessons, but also its linguistic aspect. Every time I recited Surah Al-Ikhlas in my prayer, I felt like Allah SWT told me to say HuwaAllahu ahad. He is Allah, One. It felt like He’s talking to me. Understanding and contemplating His words made so much difference. Subhanallah.

After that amazing experience, I tried to read the translation of the Qur’an, especially the short surahs that I usually recited in my sholat. I had been trying to listen to the tafseer of other surahs but I had not had the time for it yet (I think this is an excuse hahaha). Because I really had to sit down and listen carefully to the recording. I tried downloading it and putting it in my iPod so that I could listen to it on my way to campus, but I could not remember it somehow. So for now, I only read the translations of some surahs so that at least I could understand what I recited in my sholat.

Besides reading the translation, I also listened to this khutbah about Surah Al-Fatiha (again, by Nouman Ali Khan). The khutbah is more about the lessons and reminders from the surah, rather than the in-depth tafseer itself. Surah Al-Fatiha is an important surah as we’re told to recite it every single time we stand in prayers. Since it’s recited so frequently, it’s easy for us to lose our concentration when we recite this surah. The next thing we know, it’s already amin. But upon listening to the khutbah, my sholat greatly improved. Alhamdulillah.

I also discovered not long time ago that Allah SWT is actually conversing with us every time we recite Surah Al-Fatiha. For example, when we say alhamdulillahi rabbil alamin (All praise and thanks are due to Allah, the Lord of the Worlds), Allah SWT responds with “my servant has praised Me”, and so on (read the full hadith).  I did not know that! It’s amazing, isn’t it?! This makes Surah Al-Fatiha the core and primary experience of the prayer. When I read this hadith, I vowed to never miss that chance of speaking with Allah SWT again. I had to make my sholat right this time.

The next video I encountered was The Meaning of the Tashahhud by Shaykh Abdul Nasir Jangda. Tashahhud is the sitting portion of the sholat. Although I understood most parts of the tashahhud, I failed to pay attention to its meaning whenever I said it. Again, I did it mechanically: saying things without realizing what I said. Once I watched the video and understood word by word and the stories behind some words, I could pay attention! It just felt so different and amazing. No words could describe it. After that, I tried to learn and memorize other phrases recited/said in sholat.

By the way, Bayyinah Institute, which was founded by Nouman Ali Khan, offered a weekend seminar called Meaningful Prayer which explains both the linguistic meanings behind each word in the prayer and the literary beauty in them. If I were in the States, I would have definitely taken part in this seminar!! I wish I could find such seminar in my country. Anyway…

Alhamdulillah, by doing my own self-study, my sholat nowadays becomes an amazing experience that I greatly enjoy. I do it not only because Allah SWT told me to, but it’s also because I love it and I find peace and serenity every time I do it. I find that the later reason is much stronger than the former. I find that sholat is a blessing that keeps me connected to Allah SWT and constantly asking for His guidance. I would never say that my sholat is near perfect — in fact, it’s imperfect, but I really hope that… insya Allah… my effort to improve my sholat is counted and my sholat (and yours) will be accepted by Him. Amin.

If you want to improve your daily prayers like I do, it’s never too late to do it. Here are some of the videos/audios that I find very useful:

• Literary Gems of Prayer by Shaykh Abdul Nasir Jangda — watching this video made me feel SOOOOOO regret that I had been doing sholat without understanding anything I recited.
• The Meaning of the Tashahhud by Shaykh Abdul Nasir Jangda — the beauty and the meaning of each words of the Tashahhud are explained in great detail
• Lessons & Reminders from Surah Al Fatiha by Nouman Ali Khan — this one helps you to understand the surah in detail
• Tafseer of surahs in Juz Amma and Juz Tabarak by Nouman Ali Khan & Shaykh Abdul Nasir Jangda — in-depth tafseer by Bayyinah Institute. You can download the audios as mp3 or as a podcast (for iTunes).
• The Salah Series from SuhaibWebb.com — everything you want to know about sholat is explained here, including the meaning of phrases recited in sholat
• Khusu’ in Sholat by Shaykh Abdul Nasir Jangda — this lecture covers the importance and virtues of khushu’ as well as steps to implement it (which are covered in the links or videos above)
• Extra: Why and How to Learn Arabic for Comprehension of the Qur’an by Nouman Ali Khan — amazing talk which successfully made me regret all my life that I never took Arabic language seriously.

UPDATE: some more links

• PrayAnywhere — all the supplications in the sholat are explained here! I love them!
• RamadanPrep — there’s a talk called Your Salah 2.0 by Shaykh Abdul Nasir Jangda explaining about the meaning of takbir, sujud, and one of the concluding supplications.

You suppose you are the trouble
But you are the cure
You suppose that you are the lock on the door
But you are the key that opens it
It’s too bad that you want to be someone else
You don’t see your own face, your own beauty
Yet, no face is more beautiful than yours.

— Jalal ad-Din Rumi

Recently, my friends said that I’m much skinnier than usual. I admit that I haven’t taken care of myself well these past weeks. I eat bread, chocolate, or noodles the whole time. I don’t feel like cooking anything. I just make sure that my stomach is not empty, but I don’t make it full either. But their comments about my skinny body struck me. I’m not fond of "skinny" body because I’m already skinny. How much skinny I can be before I turn into a scary bone creature? LOL.

So I "bragged" about it on Twitter. The next thing I knew was that: I got a food delivery from my "sister" Mulia who was in UK! It was a total surprise! I didn’t expect it at all!!! (obviously… d’oh) She’s so far away and at the same time so considerate!!! I have known her for about 6 years through online/blogging but we never had a chance to meet! We’ve discussed about a lot of stuff, from politics, religion, to personal issues and I consider her as my older sister. But I never expected that she’d be doing this to me!  I wanted to cry huhuhu. Some people are just so freakin nice, you know. Anyway, I didn’t know that there’s a website where you can order foods online from different restaurants and be delivered wherever you want! Cool stuff!

The food was delivered right before I was about to have my meal after Maghrib prayer. It was just on time haha. It was good and filling — a typical Turkish food. I still had some left for tomorrow 😉 and I also had some foods packed for me from Jessie’s mom (oh, she always does this for me all the time *cry*). I don’t need to cook for the next few days, alhamdulillah.

The wonder of Ramadhan? 🙂