Project 365

I watched Eat Pray Love with Jessie today at the cinema. On the way back home, passing through the empty roads (mind you, it was past midnight), I did a lot of thinking and I realized that, hey, I was in the similar situation too: confused about what I wanted to do with my life! It’s a life dilemma, the first time such thing ever happens to me!

I used to know what I wanted to do with my life. Hell yeah, I was good at it! Since high school, I had my own life map drawn showing me which path I should take. When others were still confused about which university they wanted to go to or which major they wanted to choose, I already had everything set. It seemed so easy and I did it without the help of my parents, who practically lived miles away from me. I planned everything by myself. I knew that by the time I finished high school, I would go to Australia to study. Then afterwards, I would do my Master degree somewhere in Europe. I would then live somewhere in the Middle East to work and encourage more women to participate in the workforce.

I also used to dream about having a successful IT career. I would live abroad, have a great life as a single career woman, and at the same time, support my family; be it helping my dad to finance the education of my siblings or financially helping my mom to build a house she ever dreamed of. Then I would start to slow down, fall in love, have kids, and so on. It was an ordinary dream, a traditional and “selfish” one, I would call. Nothing fancy. It was a dream most girls in this world dying to have.

Those things kept me going up the ladder. Plus, I loved what I did. That’s what mattered. I loved what I studied. I was so passionate about the computer world that I would swear myself I would be doing it for the rest of my life. I remember when I first came to Eindhoven, a friend told me that he never met any girl who was so excited about being devoted to this field! Most of his girl friends, he said, ended up doing something totally different than IT, or throwing themselves in that field due to lack of choices. Well, it never occurred to me that I became one of those people he mentioned a year later! I didn’t know what had happened!

During my lifetime, I have learnt. I have been inspired and encouraged. I have been moved. But it all came to one thing: I always have wanted something different. I realized that the field of IT was not for me. Was I bored? Perhaps. I always get bored, even with my love life, which always makes me question, will I ever find a guy that I will never get bored of? I always demand for changes. That’s why you’ve seen me hopping from one country to the other. I want to see different things. That’s why you’ve heard me talking about being in the ocean. I don’t want to be in the same situation all the time. I want to feel energized every time. And that’s through experiencing different things.

Truth to be told, I can’t help thinking that I would be spending my entire life in an office, behind a computer! Even thinking about it already makes me crazy. Of course, I could be a manager or a head of something, like people ‘suggested’ me, but in general, working in the office hasn’t been a favorite to me. It’s too monotone. Imagine, every single day you wake up and do the same thing. It’s not exciting! It’s not fulfilling. You won’t feel satisfied. Why do you think people hate Monday?

So now, yes, officially, I have lost my passion. I don’t know my destination and goal are anymore. They disappeared without me realizing it. I am now in the intersection of a big road, confused of which direction I should take. Street signs are everywhere but they aren’t meant to help me with choices. They really confuse me!

Some people know that I’ve been really interested in the development world, especially education, youth, and community development. I’ve been looking into that field a lot. Is the development world really for me? Of course, at some point in our life, we want to help others and make a huge impact. But let’s just forget about it for a moment, because for me, if I want to help others, there are many members of my own family (relatives) who financially need help. And I think I have to prioritize them over anyone else in this world.

But then why is the development world seem so exciting for me? I feel like, by going deep into this field, I can interact with other people more often. The real people. The people who can inspire me. The people who may teach me more about trust, love, or anything. The people who can straighten my faith. The ‘ordinary’ people who know much better about what life is all about than those people who can’t seem to have enough of things. That’s what I love about it. Those people live their life based on love, the support of their family, lessons they learnt in the past, and experiences; not based on cool gadgets, money, BlackBerry, or fancy dress. I can’t find satisfaction in those. Perhaps, yes, temporarily, but not in a long term. If I work in an office, I can only imagine the usual boring everyday routine and the fact that there would be less human-to-human deep connection. People (including me!) are getting so further away from each other, thanks to the computer, Internet, and social networks. In addition to that, when you deal with people, you will be facing different cases or stories at some point. Surprises await you. Not to mention when you travel to different places, culture influences the creation of different individuals and that’s what makes it so bloody interesting!

I can’t say confidently that I have finally found my passion right now. I feel like I want to devote myself in the field of development. But everything is still vague and blur. Everything that I see is pictured in my selfish imagination. I haven’t really dive into it yet, nor am I experienced in it. That’s what makes me stuck. That’s what makes me afraid to go on and to take the risk. Even worst (and I say it again), I don’t know how to start. I haven’t met people who are experienced in this yet. I have no clear picture. I’ve been wanting to go to Jordan or even Palestine to do some voluntary works after I graduate but everything is still an immature plan. Everything that I have in mind is still in the phase of ‘let us see what happens after I graduate’. I don’t want to make myself completely into this yet, because I know I have some priorities. Unfinished business needs to be completed first.

It does seem like I don’t appreciate what I have right now. Don’t get me wrong, I do. I am grateful each day for everything that God has given me. But if God allows me to take a different path, why can’t I choose that path? If that path makes me more satisfied and fulfilled, why can’t I take that direction then? 🙂 I have a full control of my life. It’s matter of choice: whether I will spend the rest of my life dreading of going to the office OR waking up each day, full of love, excited about the surprises that life would bring for me. Of course I would rather choose the second one. Because I believe that “When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy” (Rumi).

Bismillah.

I have been so busy lately with moving out (unpacking, sorting, and decorating) and exams that I failed to notice the beautiful view of Eindhoven! Most of the leaves have now fallen. Before they turn into boring leafless trees, I HAVE to enjoy this view as much as I can!

I love it! Cycling to the university have recently became my favorite 🙂

It’s been a month already when my laptop showed a strange behavior. First, it refused to start Windows Vista. I was still in Jeddah and I didn’t bring the recovery CD with me. So I reinstalled it with Windows 7 (it was a genuine one, but the key had been used by my brother, which made it not genuine hehehe — but I tweaked it around). At that time I notice that my laptop made a strange hard disk noise, as if something was stuck in there. It kept making the same noise for weeks, and when it did, my laptop turned so slow for few seconds to 5 minutes. It was annoying.

I told my friend, Angga, about it and he told me to make a back up of my data immediately. Because this was a physical damage. The hard disk would die anytime soon.

He was indeed true! Last week, my laptop refused to start its lovely Windows 7. I tried to reinstall it again with my Windows Vista, but it stopped in the middle of the installation. I had made a backup of my data, but I didn’t make a backup of my pictures and mp3s, because I planned to copy them into a DVD disc instead! I screwed up, but I let it go. Pasrah was the only choice available, I guess.

My laptop was dead by the time when I needed it the most, which was during exam time! So I was really panic (although, in the end, I decided to postpone my exam until next January). But then I needed it for a lot of things, assignments, work, etc. I needed it ASAP! The truth was, I didn’t have any money. The only money I had was the leftover of my salary in Jeddah, which was meant for my Middle East trip. I didn’t have many choices, I had to purchase another one while waiting for my laptop to be fixed. My trip would be cancelled. Great, right? 🙁

But then I was talking with Angga yesterday, and he told me that he and my friend Andi could help me recover the data AND replace the hard disk with the new one! OH MY GOD! How could I not remember that there existed MANY genius guys in this world that looooooved to mess around with the inside of the computer?!?! Hahahaha. So instead of paying hundreds of Euros for the replacement of the hard disk, I only paid few Euros to buy a new hard disk and its case (to recover my data) on eBay! How awesome!!! The best part was that Angga borrowed me his notebook until my laptop could finally work! Life was indeed great hahaha.

Alhamdulillah. Now I’m eagerly waiting for the delivery of my brand new hard disk 🙂 Insya Allah everything will be soon working AND I can blog again with my own laptop!!! And hopefully the trip will still be realized 🙂

Earthquake, tsunami, volcano, and floods. Indonesia is threatened by yet another natural disasters (well, the flood happens every year in Jakarta and I blame the government for that!). They all happened in one single day. God bless Indonesia and the victims!!!!

As usual, I feel helpless here, not able to do anything other than sending my prayers. For 25 years, I’ve ‘escaped’ from these disasters. I am lucky in that sense, but somehow I feel like I need to feel how it’s like to be one of the victims. Just to make my life more meaningful. Or make myself more grateful. With that experience, I hope I can help people who are in desperate needs. Possibilities are endless. Choices are abundant. To make it happen, that’s another story and I have to make sure that I will make it happen.

It’s funny that I used to refuse to mingle with the Indonesians when I was in Brisbane. I knew some of them, but I never really got close to them somehow. In the beginning, my purpose was clear enough. I wanted to improve my English (and I can tell you my English was just AWFUL). So I had to spend more time with the native speakers, or at least with the people from other nations.

The other reason was to do with their lifestyle. I felt like we had different lifestyles and purposes in life. We had different ways of thinking. They had their own group of friends and were not that open with getting to know new people. They barely had non-Indonesian friends. Seriously, why would anyone go abroad if they still had the "same type" of people?! That’s what I thought, at least.

It wasn’t until the last year of my university that I got to know more Indonesians. But we weren’t that close actually. My weekends were still spent with my non-Indonesian friends. I had my own comfort zone and I was happy with that :).

Ironically, in the Netherlands, I spend most of my time with the Indonesians! I still have friends from different parts of the world, but I occasionally hang out with them — once a month, at most. My choice had to do with yet another reason of lifestyle. I am kinda sick of going to a bar, which is a weekly activity they do to catch up. Although the bar is located in campus, I no longer feel comfortable being there at all. I used to be okay with that. Maybe because I always went with my housemate Jenn (who kinda protected me) whenever we went to these kinds of places (because at that time, I was quite active in a student organization, so it was ‘impossible’ for me not to attend the events which were mostly held in the bars).  Or maybe because I was just not in the mood of going there anymore. But whatever the reason was, I try to avoid going there as much as possible. I would prefer a nice dinner over anything else. And they know it.

I have to admit that in the beginning, it’s weird to mingle with the Indonesians again :D. I had a few bits of cultural shock hehhee. Being a jilbaber*, people expected me to behave in certain ways, especially to the opposite sex. So I kinda have to remind and ‘limit’ myself so as to prevent uneasy feelings. Back to the basic, yeah?!

It’s also weird that up until now, I feel more comfortable being with my non-Indonesian friends, despite our ‘closeness’ and frequency of meet ups. (Okay, I am close to Jessie, but I don’t see her as an Indonesian hahaha. I was close to Arya too and he was an exception). I don’t know why. I always feel like there are some kind of barriers between me and the Indonesians, that prevent us to be close friends. We never get into serious talks. Our conversation is always on the surface. I don’t feel like I’m free to say whatever I want. It just doesn’t flow smoothly. And that’s why I used to complain about being so lonely in my first year of university. I got many friends and I met them often, but ironically I felt lonely. There was a missing connection between us and I couldn’t quite figure it out what it was.

I wonder if I’d always feel this way? Or is it just part of ‘getting used’ to everything? Or maybe because I’m just being picky. Or maybe it’s just a matter of finding like-minded friends… I don’t know.

* a woman who wears headscarf 😀

A lover asked his beloved,
Do you love yourself more
than you love me?

The beloved replied,
I have died to myself
and I live for you.

I’ve disappeared from myself
and my attributes.
I am present only for you.

I have forgotten all my learning,
but from knowing you
I have become a scholar.

I have lost all my strength,
but from your power
I am able.

If I love myself
I love you.
If I love you
I love myself.

— Jalal ad-Din Rumi

WOW! Just wow.

Random thought of the day: I’m going to put Rumi’s poetry on my wedding invitation card — if I ever get married! Hahahaha. I told ya, it’s a random thing.

Indonesia tanah air beta
Pusaka abadi nan jaya
Indonesia sejak dulu kala
Tetap di puja-puja bangsa

Di sana tempat lahir beta
Dibuai dibesarkan bunda
Tempat berlindung di hari tua
Tempat akhir menutup mata

From YouTube to TV. This is Gamaliel and Audrey Tapiheru singing Indonesia’s patriotic song, Indonesia Pusaka during our Independence Day. They sang other old Indonesian songs as part of the medley. Great orchestra and performance!

Before:

It looked so awful wasn’t it?! The good thing was, my room has a smaller room next to this room shown in the picture above. So I left the other one empty. That’s where I slept last night. Apparently, that room was too small for my bed 🙁 It fit just right with the mattress, but not with the bed frame. If the room was 10 cm bigger, then it would have fit!

After: (warning: the other part not too far from the bed was messy as hell!)

So, there was a change of plan. I put the bed in the bigger room, while the wardrobe, study desk, fridge, and cabinet will be in the smaller room. Agni came over to help me to assemble the bed. He did other manly work too! Thanks, Agni! 🙂

Bed was done. Next is the kitchen. Then the study desk, which will be delivered next week. Wardrobe and fridge will follow, hopefully by the end of next week. Then, the fun part: decorating! Oh how I love moving out. Boooooooo! Hahaha.

Today was officially the moving out day. With the help of my friends, Agni and Jessie, I managed to bring all of my stuff to the new place, so that I could sleep there tonight. We started transporting the stuff (and junks :P) at 7pm, all the way until around 12am. It was such a hectic and messy day. And it was raining too! For the whole freakin day! How awesome, right?! We couldn’t assemble the bed right away though, so I had to sleep on the floor between all my junks and stuff. My first night in my new room!

I also got to cycle to my new place at around 9pm, curious to know how it felt like to pass the neighborhood at night (and passing the red light district, of course lol). There were a lot of cars and people near the district. All of the sudden, a lot of things ran into my mind about these people (you know what I mean hahahaha). I also pass a coffee shop (which is the place to sell cannabis) around the corner of the street and there was a security guy standing outside. Apart from the uneasy feeling of being around the neighborhood, everything else was actually fine. I hoped it would always be like that. I would be passing this street almost everyday, so I had to get used to it, somehow.

Nevertheless, I managed to sneak in to mbak Dina’s place to practice angklung with the others in the afternoon before the whole moving out took place. It was really fun. I was excited about our ‘first’ official concert! We had agreed upon the name of the event itself: Angklung Concert: Bamboo in Harmony. Love the name! Eight more practice to go before the concert!

This one made my day!!! Thank you, Qonita! 🙂

The real Malin Kundang’s story can be read here.