Project 365

My eczema kinda misses me and it’s been back! My whole body, from head to toe, has been sooooooo itchy!!! I felt like throwing myself into a pool of extremely hot water! The itchiness is beyond my imagination! I can’t even describe it. It’s just.so.itchy!!! My whole body turns red too. If I scratch my skin, reddish bumps begin to appear. My eyes are kinda swollen too! It’s just unbelievable!

I’ve been having this ever since I was in Australia. But it got worst when I came to the Netherlands. It happened at the end of fall or during winter (basically during cold weather).  I went to the doctor but she only gave me a freakin CREAM! Can you imagine that?! Every visits were the same. The only difference was that, I was given a different brand of cream every single time.

It’s annoying. And the most annoying part is the fact that I can’t sleep. I scratch my whole body day and night. That’s what makes me mad. I need my normal sleeping time back. I’m planning to go to the doctor coz I can’t seem to take this anymore. If she’s going to prescribe me another cream, I’d force her to give me a SLEEPING PILL!!!!! LOL.

But yeah, I’ve been having this for YEARS already, so I’m used to it (only the sleeping part is not). I make fun of it too! Today, Jessie told me to send her a picture of me with my reddish face and bumps. Hahaha. We laughed so hard! Damn, I haven’t laughed so hard for quite some time 😛 . The best part was that I was making fun of myself 😛

Anyway…. Alhamdulillah, I got my laptop running again with Windows 7 Ultimate. Yay! Thanks to my friend, Andi, who helped me with changing the hard disk. If it ever happened again, I know what I should do 😉

I wrote a few days ago that we’re going to hold our first angklung concert at the campus at the end of this month. The concert is titled Angklung Concert: Bamboo in Harmony and is going to be a charity concert dedicated for the victims of Mentawai, Merapi, and Wasior disasters that happened in Indonesia.

I’m really excited about it! Not only because it is going to be my first time performing angklung in front of the public audience, but also because it has a noble purpose behind it. So I want to make sure that the event is going to be a success and a lot of money will be raised from it.

So I proposed to make a video about the three disasters. Perhaps, by showing it to the audience, they’ll be touched and feel obligated to donate some money for the victims. Up until now, I’ve been busy searching for pictures, videos, and facts related to the those disasters on the internet. It turned out that it was not an easy job, because I had to look at those sad pictures and watch those heart-breaking videos… It really made me cry. There’s an angry surge inside me to do more… but again, I couldn’t do much things here. Bless those volunteers and humanitarian workers who have been working round the clock to provide the needs of the victims. May Allah SWT reward their good deeds in the hereafter. Amin.

It just happened that I was still registered to the newsletter of the Brisbane‘s Mayor, Campbell Newman. I was practically surprised to read a number of measures and initiatives he had done or was planning to do to raise awareness about the possible flood in Brisbane and to make its residents better prepared for the disaster.

+ Completed and made public local flood studies.
+ Made free flood reports available online for individual properties.
+ Made free flood flag maps available online with comprehensive information relating to flooding.
+ Installed flood warning lights on ‘at risk’ roads.
+ Implemented tough planning controls to prohibit development below the one in 100 year flood mark.
+ Conducted public education campaigns to raise awareness of the risks of suburban flooding in Brisbane.
+ Introduced a free SMS service (Early Warning Network) for Brisbane residents to advise them in advance of bad weather in their local area.
+ Funded a flood buyback scheme to purchase worst affected homes.
+ Investing more than $50m each year to reduce the impacts of flooding including desilting at 100 locations this financial

I mean, come on, Brisbane hasn’t experience any significant flooding since 1974, but they wanted to make sure that this disaster would never repeat again. So as soon as the increase in rainfalls was detected, they took some steps to mitigate flooding.

The approach that he took is EXTREMELY different than that of the governor of Jakarta, who did nothing to prevent the annual infamous Jakarta’s flood from happening. Even so, he blamed the weather for it. Maybe he should learn from Mayor Newman, or even better, the Dutch!!!

Yes, I used to write a diary when I was in High School. It was started at the end of May 2002, when I entered the last year of my High School. I have long kept my diary in my bookcase in Jeddah and it was a loooooong time ago that I read it. So I decided to take it with me to Holland hoping that in my spare time I could perhaps read it for fun :D.

And I actually did! It was really weird reading back my own diary, to be honest. It was embarassing in some ways (waaaaay too childish LOL). I kinda skipped some parts of the stories, refusing to remember them. The diary is no more than my day-to-day life: the pleasure and hardship living at a boarding school, my relationship with other friends, and teenage love slash crush. It was quite memorable! I couldn’t believe that I didn’t remember a lot of things that were written there!

For example, I used to have a lot of nicknames. I did remember most of them, like MuLong (Muka Lonjong or oval face), onta (camel — and I assume you know where that one came from!), Mellie (inspired by Melly Goeslaw; I actually forgot why my friends related me to this famous singer), and Jomel (I forgot why I was called with this name, but I hated it hahaha). But I didn’t remember at all that I was called ‘Truly Asia’ before, just because I had a stupid crush on someone who lived in KL! Hahaha. I wonder where he is now actually! LOL. (Hello, You! Haha)

The diary also reminds me with a lot of things: my cat & dog and brother & sister relationship with (apparently) one of my closest friends, Anas; my habit of sleeping in the class (sorry, Pak Uya!); my first time receiving an appreciation in a form of a chocolate from my favorite teacher :); my habit of sneaking into my room to eat chocolate every evening alone :P; and the obstacles after graduating from school. Being done with school and not living in a dorm anymore was probably the hardest one for me. I was used to the non-stop routines and activities from 8am to 9pm, so I couldn’t stand doing nothing at home, waiting for the university to start. I was also used to having my friends around, 24/7. They were within easy reach when I needed somebody to talk with. But suddenly, everyone went their separate ways and I found myself alone in my room. Farewell was indeed the hardest thing, especially when we spent time together for 3 years! We knew each other so well, even in the worst possible state! We were like a little family, even until today.

The most boring part of the diary is about the hurdle of breaking up (talk about teenage love, huh?!). I just realized that it took him almost 6 months to finally let me go. It’s boring because it’s too repetitive. And it caused my relationship with one of my closest friends to worsen. She remains one of my good friends these days and whenever we talk about it, we laugh and laugh, thinking how stupid we were back in the old days! 🙂

I actually enjoyed flipping through the pages of my diary without reading them. I was surprised that I was quite creative back then! Every pages were made with different styles, colors, and design. I was so devoted to it and I managed to write the diary until I reached the last paper, which was more than a year! That was hard and that was the only diary I had! 😀 (because afterwards, I turned to blogging).

I watched Eat Pray Love with Jessie today at the cinema. On the way back home, passing through the empty roads (mind you, it was past midnight), I did a lot of thinking and I realized that, hey, I was in the similar situation too: confused about what I wanted to do with my life! It’s a life dilemma, the first time such thing ever happens to me!

I used to know what I wanted to do with my life. Hell yeah, I was good at it! Since high school, I had my own life map drawn showing me which path I should take. When others were still confused about which university they wanted to go to or which major they wanted to choose, I already had everything set. It seemed so easy and I did it without the help of my parents, who practically lived miles away from me. I planned everything by myself. I knew that by the time I finished high school, I would go to Australia to study. Then afterwards, I would do my Master degree somewhere in Europe. I would then live somewhere in the Middle East to work and encourage more women to participate in the workforce.

I also used to dream about having a successful IT career. I would live abroad, have a great life as a single career woman, and at the same time, support my family; be it helping my dad to finance the education of my siblings or financially helping my mom to build a house she ever dreamed of. Then I would start to slow down, fall in love, have kids, and so on. It was an ordinary dream, a traditional and “selfish” one, I would call. Nothing fancy. It was a dream most girls in this world dying to have.

Those things kept me going up the ladder. Plus, I loved what I did. That’s what mattered. I loved what I studied. I was so passionate about the computer world that I would swear myself I would be doing it for the rest of my life. I remember when I first came to Eindhoven, a friend told me that he never met any girl who was so excited about being devoted to this field! Most of his girl friends, he said, ended up doing something totally different than IT, or throwing themselves in that field due to lack of choices. Well, it never occurred to me that I became one of those people he mentioned a year later! I didn’t know what had happened!

During my lifetime, I have learnt. I have been inspired and encouraged. I have been moved. But it all came to one thing: I always have wanted something different. I realized that the field of IT was not for me. Was I bored? Perhaps. I always get bored, even with my love life, which always makes me question, will I ever find a guy that I will never get bored of? I always demand for changes. That’s why you’ve seen me hopping from one country to the other. I want to see different things. That’s why you’ve heard me talking about being in the ocean. I don’t want to be in the same situation all the time. I want to feel energized every time. And that’s through experiencing different things.

Truth to be told, I can’t help thinking that I would be spending my entire life in an office, behind a computer! Even thinking about it already makes me crazy. Of course, I could be a manager or a head of something, like people ‘suggested’ me, but in general, working in the office hasn’t been a favorite to me. It’s too monotone. Imagine, every single day you wake up and do the same thing. It’s not exciting! It’s not fulfilling. You won’t feel satisfied. Why do you think people hate Monday?

So now, yes, officially, I have lost my passion. I don’t know my destination and goal are anymore. They disappeared without me realizing it. I am now in the intersection of a big road, confused of which direction I should take. Street signs are everywhere but they aren’t meant to help me with choices. They really confuse me!

Some people know that I’ve been really interested in the development world, especially education, youth, and community development. I’ve been looking into that field a lot. Is the development world really for me? Of course, at some point in our life, we want to help others and make a huge impact. But let’s just forget about it for a moment, because for me, if I want to help others, there are many members of my own family (relatives) who financially need help. And I think I have to prioritize them over anyone else in this world.

But then why is the development world seem so exciting for me? I feel like, by going deep into this field, I can interact with other people more often. The real people. The people who can inspire me. The people who may teach me more about trust, love, or anything. The people who can straighten my faith. The ‘ordinary’ people who know much better about what life is all about than those people who can’t seem to have enough of things. That’s what I love about it. Those people live their life based on love, the support of their family, lessons they learnt in the past, and experiences; not based on cool gadgets, money, BlackBerry, or fancy dress. I can’t find satisfaction in those. Perhaps, yes, temporarily, but not in a long term. If I work in an office, I can only imagine the usual boring everyday routine and the fact that there would be less human-to-human deep connection. People (including me!) are getting so further away from each other, thanks to the computer, Internet, and social networks. In addition to that, when you deal with people, you will be facing different cases or stories at some point. Surprises await you. Not to mention when you travel to different places, culture influences the creation of different individuals and that’s what makes it so bloody interesting!

I can’t say confidently that I have finally found my passion right now. I feel like I want to devote myself in the field of development. But everything is still vague and blur. Everything that I see is pictured in my selfish imagination. I haven’t really dive into it yet, nor am I experienced in it. That’s what makes me stuck. That’s what makes me afraid to go on and to take the risk. Even worst (and I say it again), I don’t know how to start. I haven’t met people who are experienced in this yet. I have no clear picture. I’ve been wanting to go to Jordan or even Palestine to do some voluntary works after I graduate but everything is still an immature plan. Everything that I have in mind is still in the phase of ‘let us see what happens after I graduate’. I don’t want to make myself completely into this yet, because I know I have some priorities. Unfinished business needs to be completed first.

It does seem like I don’t appreciate what I have right now. Don’t get me wrong, I do. I am grateful each day for everything that God has given me. But if God allows me to take a different path, why can’t I choose that path? If that path makes me more satisfied and fulfilled, why can’t I take that direction then? 🙂 I have a full control of my life. It’s matter of choice: whether I will spend the rest of my life dreading of going to the office OR waking up each day, full of love, excited about the surprises that life would bring for me. Of course I would rather choose the second one. Because I believe that “When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy” (Rumi).

Bismillah.

It’s been a month already when my laptop showed a strange behavior. First, it refused to start Windows Vista. I was still in Jeddah and I didn’t bring the recovery CD with me. So I reinstalled it with Windows 7 (it was a genuine one, but the key had been used by my brother, which made it not genuine hehehe — but I tweaked it around). At that time I notice that my laptop made a strange hard disk noise, as if something was stuck in there. It kept making the same noise for weeks, and when it did, my laptop turned so slow for few seconds to 5 minutes. It was annoying.

I told my friend, Angga, about it and he told me to make a back up of my data immediately. Because this was a physical damage. The hard disk would die anytime soon.

He was indeed true! Last week, my laptop refused to start its lovely Windows 7. I tried to reinstall it again with my Windows Vista, but it stopped in the middle of the installation. I had made a backup of my data, but I didn’t make a backup of my pictures and mp3s, because I planned to copy them into a DVD disc instead! I screwed up, but I let it go. Pasrah was the only choice available, I guess.

My laptop was dead by the time when I needed it the most, which was during exam time! So I was really panic (although, in the end, I decided to postpone my exam until next January). But then I needed it for a lot of things, assignments, work, etc. I needed it ASAP! The truth was, I didn’t have any money. The only money I had was the leftover of my salary in Jeddah, which was meant for my Middle East trip. I didn’t have many choices, I had to purchase another one while waiting for my laptop to be fixed. My trip would be cancelled. Great, right? 🙁

But then I was talking with Angga yesterday, and he told me that he and my friend Andi could help me recover the data AND replace the hard disk with the new one! OH MY GOD! How could I not remember that there existed MANY genius guys in this world that looooooved to mess around with the inside of the computer?!?! Hahahaha. So instead of paying hundreds of Euros for the replacement of the hard disk, I only paid few Euros to buy a new hard disk and its case (to recover my data) on eBay! How awesome!!! The best part was that Angga borrowed me his notebook until my laptop could finally work! Life was indeed great hahaha.

Alhamdulillah. Now I’m eagerly waiting for the delivery of my brand new hard disk 🙂 Insya Allah everything will be soon working AND I can blog again with my own laptop!!! And hopefully the trip will still be realized 🙂

Earthquake, tsunami, volcano, and floods. Indonesia is threatened by yet another natural disasters (well, the flood happens every year in Jakarta and I blame the government for that!). They all happened in one single day. God bless Indonesia and the victims!!!!

As usual, I feel helpless here, not able to do anything other than sending my prayers. For 25 years, I’ve ‘escaped’ from these disasters. I am lucky in that sense, but somehow I feel like I need to feel how it’s like to be one of the victims. Just to make my life more meaningful. Or make myself more grateful. With that experience, I hope I can help people who are in desperate needs. Possibilities are endless. Choices are abundant. To make it happen, that’s another story and I have to make sure that I will make it happen.

It’s funny that I used to refuse to mingle with the Indonesians when I was in Brisbane. I knew some of them, but I never really got close to them somehow. In the beginning, my purpose was clear enough. I wanted to improve my English (and I can tell you my English was just AWFUL). So I had to spend more time with the native speakers, or at least with the people from other nations.

The other reason was to do with their lifestyle. I felt like we had different lifestyles and purposes in life. We had different ways of thinking. They had their own group of friends and were not that open with getting to know new people. They barely had non-Indonesian friends. Seriously, why would anyone go abroad if they still had the "same type" of people?! That’s what I thought, at least.

It wasn’t until the last year of my university that I got to know more Indonesians. But we weren’t that close actually. My weekends were still spent with my non-Indonesian friends. I had my own comfort zone and I was happy with that :).

Ironically, in the Netherlands, I spend most of my time with the Indonesians! I still have friends from different parts of the world, but I occasionally hang out with them — once a month, at most. My choice had to do with yet another reason of lifestyle. I am kinda sick of going to a bar, which is a weekly activity they do to catch up. Although the bar is located in campus, I no longer feel comfortable being there at all. I used to be okay with that. Maybe because I always went with my housemate Jenn (who kinda protected me) whenever we went to these kinds of places (because at that time, I was quite active in a student organization, so it was ‘impossible’ for me not to attend the events which were mostly held in the bars).  Or maybe because I was just not in the mood of going there anymore. But whatever the reason was, I try to avoid going there as much as possible. I would prefer a nice dinner over anything else. And they know it.

I have to admit that in the beginning, it’s weird to mingle with the Indonesians again :D. I had a few bits of cultural shock hehhee. Being a jilbaber*, people expected me to behave in certain ways, especially to the opposite sex. So I kinda have to remind and ‘limit’ myself so as to prevent uneasy feelings. Back to the basic, yeah?!

It’s also weird that up until now, I feel more comfortable being with my non-Indonesian friends, despite our ‘closeness’ and frequency of meet ups. (Okay, I am close to Jessie, but I don’t see her as an Indonesian hahaha. I was close to Arya too and he was an exception). I don’t know why. I always feel like there are some kind of barriers between me and the Indonesians, that prevent us to be close friends. We never get into serious talks. Our conversation is always on the surface. I don’t feel like I’m free to say whatever I want. It just doesn’t flow smoothly. And that’s why I used to complain about being so lonely in my first year of university. I got many friends and I met them often, but ironically I felt lonely. There was a missing connection between us and I couldn’t quite figure it out what it was.

I wonder if I’d always feel this way? Or is it just part of ‘getting used’ to everything? Or maybe because I’m just being picky. Or maybe it’s just a matter of finding like-minded friends… I don’t know.

* a woman who wears headscarf 😀

Today was officially the moving out day. With the help of my friends, Agni and Jessie, I managed to bring all of my stuff to the new place, so that I could sleep there tonight. We started transporting the stuff (and junks :P) at 7pm, all the way until around 12am. It was such a hectic and messy day. And it was raining too! For the whole freakin day! How awesome, right?! We couldn’t assemble the bed right away though, so I had to sleep on the floor between all my junks and stuff. My first night in my new room!

I also got to cycle to my new place at around 9pm, curious to know how it felt like to pass the neighborhood at night (and passing the red light district, of course lol). There were a lot of cars and people near the district. All of the sudden, a lot of things ran into my mind about these people (you know what I mean hahahaha). I also pass a coffee shop (which is the place to sell cannabis) around the corner of the street and there was a security guy standing outside. Apart from the uneasy feeling of being around the neighborhood, everything else was actually fine. I hoped it would always be like that. I would be passing this street almost everyday, so I had to get used to it, somehow.

Nevertheless, I managed to sneak in to mbak Dina’s place to practice angklung with the others in the afternoon before the whole moving out took place. It was really fun. I was excited about our ‘first’ official concert! We had agreed upon the name of the event itself: Angklung Concert: Bamboo in Harmony. Love the name! Eight more practice to go before the concert!

This one made my day!!! Thank you, Qonita! 🙂

The real Malin Kundang’s story can be read here.